ITP: inappropriate orifices

[bythehorns]

[In the one of the more livable regions of the cave this afternoon (evening? who even knows, in here), Tavros is examining a troll-sized tub of green slime that the fuk dwarves have just finished making for him. It's a deep, pearly pink, and the opening at the top of it looks like...well, let's be polite and say it looks like a Georgia O'Keeffe painting. The fuk dwarves have ideas about what holes in things should look like (nsfw).]

Wow, that's, a lot fancier, than I was expecting, with the decorative folds, and everything....

((pester Tavros about his obscene home furnishings! or pester the fuk dwarves for inappropriate boons of your own. everybody needs more decorative genitals in their lives, right?))

Comments

[pincerattack]

[there is a loud series of crash-bangs, as if someone has been dropped and is rolling down the cave incline, banging into rocks along the way. if you listen carefully, you can probably hear some snarling that would be threatening if the person doing it didn't sound so young.]

GOG FUCKING DAMNIT WHEN I FIND OUT WHO THREW ME IN HERE I AM GOING TO RAIN DOWN SO MUCH FURY IT'S GOING TO BE A SUPERNOVA OF PURE, INCANDESCENT RAGE BEATDOWN THAT IS NEVER GOING TO END. TIME WILL DILATE UNTIL IT HAS NO MEANING ANYMORE EXCEPT THE PAIN THIS FUCKING GRUBLICKER IS GOING TO EXPERIENCE UNTIL THE HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE.

[the crashing stops outside the cavern! but the tantrum doesn't.]

[bythehorns]

[!!!!!!! I know that fury.]

....Uh....Karkat?

[pincerattack]

[That fury is not done yet.]

I BET THIS IS YOUR FAULT, VRISKA, AND WHEN I FIND YOU I'M TRADING YOU TO THE OTHER TEAM NO MATTER WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY ABOUT IT. I DON'T EVEN CARE WHO THEY GIVE ME. ERIDAN FUCKING AMPORA WOULD BE A BETTER TEAMMATE THAN YOU AT THIS POINT BECAUSE HEY, AT LEAST HE'S JUST INAPPROPRIATELY TRYING TO TOUCH ME AND EVERYONE ELSE INSTEAD OF THROWING US INTO INESCAPABLE FUCKING HELLISH LABYRINTHS OF CAVES AND WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT UP A CAVE A TROLL CAN'T NAVIGATE, ANYWAY? AND I AM GLAD THAT YOU'RE LETTING YOUR BIZARRE... WHATEVER IT IS YOU HAVE, BECAUSE EVEN I CAN'T IDENTIFY WHAT QUADRANT THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE... YOU WISH YOU HAD WITH TAVROS GET IN THE WAY OF US ACTUALLY PLAYING THIS FUCKING GAME BECAUSE APPARENTLY HE'S HERE TOO--

[waaaaaaait a second Tavros is here, so (1) this definitely is somehow Vriska's fault and let's face it, raging at her is basically like screaming into the sky for all she listens, and (2) welp, at least he's got part of his team here, which means he needs to stop having a tantrum and BE THE LEADER. which means the volume goes down and a somewhat worse for the wear little troll with nubby horns and so much rage he's practically bristling like a cat enters the cavern.]

--oh. [what is with these people who are definitely not trolls? maybe this ISN'T Vriska's fault.]

[bythehorns]

[:x]

O-oh, uh, you know, I hadn't, even thought about it, being Vriska's fault, but I guess, it sounds like, a thing she would do, especially to me....

[pincerattack]

She is the worst teammate in all the universes and when I next find the sweaty, off-putting creep I am going to show him a whole new dimension of terror for not letting us have Nepeta for our team instead. ...from a distance. So he doesn't sweat on me.

[okay, Karkat, time to be the leader! even if you are almost as bad at having feelings as you are at not having feelings.]

Is anyone else here? What's the situation?

[bythehorns]

You are, the third troll here, I think, after me and Gamzee, and there are some humans, and also a big robot, who is really nice.

[pincerattack]

[HUMANS. THAT JUST MAKES HIS UNSTOPPABLE RAGE AT JOHN HUMAN EGBERT A THING AGAIN BECAUSE SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK HE COULD HAVE JUST BEEN HONEST AND SAID 'KARKAT, I DON'T HATE YOU ENOUGH FOR A KISMESSITUDE BECAUSE YOU AREN'T WORTHY OF MY HATE' INSTEAD OF SOME STUPID MADE UP EXCUSE THAT ISN'T EVEN A THING. IF JOHN EGBERT IS HERE, HE IS GETTING PUNCHED SO MANY TIMES IT WILL REACH AROUND INTO MAKING OUT FROM THE SHEER POWER OF KARKAT'S HATE.

...still, got to keep it together, leader. Tavros would have mentioned if these were the humans they've been trolling, right? Still, it can't hurt to ask.]

Are they the humans we've been trolling? Or different ones?

[bythehorns]

No, they're different ones, um, and I think mostly, they're older. Like, there was one, that I met today, who has hair on his face, which I think, is only a thing, for adults.

[pincerattack]

[H-hair. On the face. Oh gog, that thought is legitimately disgusting. Wouldn't it get caught in your teeth? Maybe humans don't make out with each other. That might explain some of the more bizarre things about them. Still, ugh. He can't help but shudder at the thought. Though maybe if he holds it close to his blood pumper and thinks about it whenever the subject of humans comes up, JOHN HUMAN MOTHERFUCKING EGBERT won't be an-- nope, doesn't work. GOGDAMNIT.]

...ew.

[sei_what]

Oh, for two fans. Three, actually, so she can cover her face AND her ears. And a third hand to do it.

...whatever, clearly this shouting has scrambled her brain a bit.

"All the cicadas," she chides gently, "have stilled their wings for the night / leaving only this one/ how splendidly fierce it is / how it echoes in silence."

And then she coughs. Significantly. Maybe that was a little too direct and overbearing, but jeez, that guy is LOUD.

[pincerattack]

[oh, it's on now. because it just so happens that Karkat's real talent, besides dispensing romance advice, is to give leaderly speeches and to come up with ridiculous linguistic constructs to convey his rage! he may not be willing to stoop to a Strider-style rap battle because that is STUPID, but it just so happens there are a few forms of ancient troll battle poetry that will get his point across. IT IS ON, HUMAN WHO TAKES SURPRISING CARE TO WARPAINT HER TEETH.]

IN SOME FUCKING CAVE/PROTEIN CHUTES FLAPPING NONSTOP/GOG I NEED SOME AIR.

[it's kind of shitty poetry, but it's the right number of syllables and at least it conveys some of his anger.]

[faygoandpie]

Whoa, what the fuck is up, my brother? Besides being all up and stuck in a motherfucking cave.

[pincerattack]

[of course, Gamzee would be here, too. it's not like he could get, say, Kanaya. Or even Terezi. Someone capable of basic logical reasoning so that he doesn't have to do EVERYTHING BY HIMSELF.]

I think that's pretty much all that is up, unless you have something to suggest.

[...eyetwitch]

[faygoandpie]

[motherfucking best friend is here, gogdamn miracles all over the place]

Tavbro has a sweet as fuck new recuperacoon, have you set your ocular bulbs on it?

[pincerattack]

[you really can't keep yelling at your best friend like this, even if he's not going to come up with a plan. it's not his fault, after all. who even knows whose fault it is! well, unless you guys can't get out of here, in which case it's your fault.]

Uh... it's a recuperacoon, I guess? It's kind of a weird color, though.

[faygoandpie]

bro, you need to be all opening your think pan up to the miracle that is this motherfucking recuperacoon.

[pincerattack]

[THE THINGS YOU DO FOR YOUR FRIEND.]

It's very nice. I am sorry I did not properly appreciate the fanciness of Tavros's new recuperacoon.

[...twiiitch.]

[glorious]

[This is an incredibly loud tantrum, though faintly familiar.]

You seem to be in a poor mood.

[pincerattack]

[what. WHAT. IF THIS SOME KIND OF HUMAN SARCASM UNDERSTATEMENT, then he is NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THIS. not that he ever is! BUT LESS SO THAN USUAL, EVEN. plus oh gog you have that hair. on your face. That wasn't made up to gross you out. don't stare at the human's unnatural facehair, Karkat.]

WELL, I WONDER WHY! IT'S NOT LIKE I JUST WOUND UP FALLING INTO A CAVE AND HITTING A BUNCH OF GOGDAMN ROCKS ALL OVER THE PLACE AND I'M LUCKY I'M NOT FUCKING BLEEDING FROM IT. AND NOW THERE ARE A BUNCH OF HUMANS HERE, TOO, AND HUMANS ARE THE MOST THINKPAN-NUMBINGLY ANNOYING GRUBSUCKING CREATURES I HAVE EVER COME ACROSS IN THE ENTIRE COSMOS. WHEN I BECOME A THRESHECUTIONER I AM GOING TO THEIR MOTHERFUCKING PLANET AND WIPING IT OFF THE MAP IN THE NAME OF THE GOGDAMN EMPIRE.

[glorious]

[Van would possibly be a little more offended by this if he hadn't had ample experience with obnoxious young men filled with hatred and loathing for everything, and if he also didn't just try to wipe out the entirety of his own species.]

Might I ask how you intend to do so?

[pincerattack]

UH. DID YOU NOT HEAR ME JUST SAY THAT I'M GOING TO BE A GOGDAMN THRESHECUTIONER? AS IN THE MOST MOTHERFUCKING SICK, VICIOUS, KILLING TROLLS IN THE FLEET? AS IN, I'M GOING TO TAKE A SICKLE SO SHARP IT WILL CUT A FUCKING NEUTRON IN FUCKING HALF AND STICK IT IN THE EYEHOLE OF ANYONE WHO GETS IN MY WAY? THAT IS HOW I AM GOING TO DO IT, SINCE YOU ARE SO WOEFULLY FUCKING UNINFORMED.

[You would think all the screaming would get tiring! And it does! But gog, he's used to being tired. This is nothing.]

[glorious]

Your plan consists of single-handedly killing every human on your own? That's quite the task you've committed yourself to.

[pincerattack]

FOR FUCK'S SAKE

I SAID 'A THRESHECUTIONER,' NOT 'THE THRESHECUTIONER.' THERE IS, IN FACT, GOING TO BE MORE THAN ONE.

[glorious]

Ah, a pity. It would've been quite the sight to see.

How soon would you like to begin?

[pincerattack]

[WHAT IS EVEN WRONG WITH THIS HUMAN'S THINKPAN. He, uh. Almost sounds like a high-blood troll! Which is not really what Karkat needs right now, because all of them except Gamzee are the biggest douchebags in the universe. IN THE FUCKING UNIVERSE.]

What the actual fuck.

THAT'S NOT REALLY THE RIGHT ANSWER TO GIVE WHEN I DECLARE MY INTENT TO WIPE YOUR SPECIES OFF THE MAP AND GIVE ITS PLACE TO THE TROLLS WHO RIGHTFULLY OWN IT. I'M JUST SAYING.

...ALSO THERE IS OBVIOUSLY A MINIMUM AGE LIMIT OF TEN SWEEPS TO JOIN THE THRESHECUTIONERS, SO IT'LL BE AWHILE BEFORE I CAN START. WHY DOESN'T IT SURPRISE ME THAT HUMANS WOULD SEND WRIGGLERS OUT TO FIGHT THE SECOND THEY'RE OUT OF THE FUCKING COCOON? NO WONDER THE HUMANS I MET BEFORE WERE SO FUCKING RIDICULOUS, THEY MUST HAVE BEEN HIT OVER THE HEAD FIGHTING IN ONE OF YOUR WARS.