ITP: inappropriate orifices

[bythehorns]

[In the one of the more livable regions of the cave this afternoon (evening? who even knows, in here), Tavros is examining a troll-sized tub of green slime that the fuk dwarves have just finished making for him. It's a deep, pearly pink, and the opening at the top of it looks like...well, let's be polite and say it looks like a Georgia O'Keeffe painting. The fuk dwarves have ideas about what holes in things should look like (nsfw).]

Wow, that's, a lot fancier, than I was expecting, with the decorative folds, and everything....

((pester Tavros about his obscene home furnishings! or pester the fuk dwarves for inappropriate boons of your own. everybody needs more decorative genitals in their lives, right?))

Comments

[glorious]

Your plan consists of single-handedly killing every human on your own? That's quite the task you've committed yourself to.

[pincerattack]

FOR FUCK'S SAKE

I SAID 'A THRESHECUTIONER,' NOT 'THE THRESHECUTIONER.' THERE IS, IN FACT, GOING TO BE MORE THAN ONE.

[glorious]

Ah, a pity. It would've been quite the sight to see.

How soon would you like to begin?

[pincerattack]

[WHAT IS EVEN WRONG WITH THIS HUMAN'S THINKPAN. He, uh. Almost sounds like a high-blood troll! Which is not really what Karkat needs right now, because all of them except Gamzee are the biggest douchebags in the universe. IN THE FUCKING UNIVERSE.]

What the actual fuck.

THAT'S NOT REALLY THE RIGHT ANSWER TO GIVE WHEN I DECLARE MY INTENT TO WIPE YOUR SPECIES OFF THE MAP AND GIVE ITS PLACE TO THE TROLLS WHO RIGHTFULLY OWN IT. I'M JUST SAYING.

...ALSO THERE IS OBVIOUSLY A MINIMUM AGE LIMIT OF TEN SWEEPS TO JOIN THE THRESHECUTIONERS, SO IT'LL BE AWHILE BEFORE I CAN START. WHY DOESN'T IT SURPRISE ME THAT HUMANS WOULD SEND WRIGGLERS OUT TO FIGHT THE SECOND THEY'RE OUT OF THE FUCKING COCOON? NO WONDER THE HUMANS I MET BEFORE WERE SO FUCKING RIDICULOUS, THEY MUST HAVE BEEN HIT OVER THE HEAD FIGHTING IN ONE OF YOUR WARS.

[faygoandpie]

Whoa, bro, you're all up and about to explode your think pan. You want a pie?

[pincerattack]

NO, GAMZEE, I DO NOT WANT A MOTHERFUCKING PIE

I LITERALLY CANNOT THINK OF ANYTHING I WOULD LESS LIKE TO SHOVE DOWN MY PROTEIN CHUTE AT THIS VERY MOMENT

[at this point, Karkat just appears to be a very tired, cranky, overstressed little troll. D: ]

[faygoandpie]

[pulls Karkat closer, paps his little head]

whoa there, motherfucker, ain't no one gonna shove anything down your protein chute. You need to be all taking a nap though 'cause bro, I think your head is going to pop right the fuck off if you don't calm the fuck down.

[pincerattack]

[argh don't you think for a second that this is going to work you stupid high clown, he has work to do and who is going to get us all back if you start shooshpapping him into uselessness]

I slept for a whole hour a couple of days ago! I don't need a fucking nap, I need to be the leader.

[he tries to growl, but it really sounds kind of pathetic.]

[faygoandpie]

[shooosh, no leadering here, only sleep]

[paps head, shooshes, and pulls him in a limp armed hug]

Shush your mouth, little bro, you're the motherfucking leader even when you're asleep. No worries, I'll make sure no one does anything while you close your lookstubs and catch all them motherfucking fluffbeasts.

[pets head]

I bet Tavbro will let you use his special motherfucking recuperacoon.

[pincerattack]

[sleep is for people with no responsibilities! what if Terezi and Vriska kill each other? what if something important happens? also, sleep is where the horrorterrors live. :/ still, the shooshpapping is doing is job, for all Karkat is trying to resist it. he's not growling anymore, at least!]

[quietly, against Gamzee's shoulder] There are no fluffbeasts, they're horrorterrors. And I don't like the color of his stupid recuperacoon.

[now you're just WHINING, Karkat. are you sure you're two whole sweeps old?]

[faygoandpie]

[Being Karkat's moirail sure the fuck is hard work but Gamzee doesn't mind one damn bit. Curling an arm around Karkat's waist, Gamzee starts walking him to the recuperacoon. He thought about jut picking him up - he may not be STRONG but he's motherfucking strong enough - but decides that, moirail or not, Karkat might just rip off his shame globes for that.]

Well little bro, it's a good thing you're going to be asleep! That color's not going to be bothering you in a sec.

[pincerattack]

[THERE WILL BE NO CARRYING HIM, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, TROLL WILL SMITH OR TROLL HUGH JACKMAN OR JOHN HUMAN EGBERT? Also being your moirail is not exctly a frolic through the ground flora with docile hoofbeasts, either!]

Doesn't Tavros get a say? It's his recuperacoon!

[scraping the bottom of the metal storage drum for excuses now, Karkat.]

[bythehorns]

I don't mind, if, you need, to use it, until they make, another one for you.

[pincerattack]

ARGH

WHY ARE YOU ENABLING HIM

[bythehorns]

Mostly, because, you're doing the thing, where you're twitching, under one eye, and whenever you do that, Kanaya makes worried faces.

So I think, it might be best, if you tried to rest, a little?

[pincerattack]

--KANAYA. PLEASE TELL ME KANAYA IS NOT HERE.

BECAUSE IF KANAYA IS HERE THEN THERE IS NO ONE LEFT BEHIND I CAN AT ALL TRUST TO LEAD ANYONE OUT OF A PAPER BAG.

[oh hey it's the eyetwitch you mentioned, right on schedule]

[bythehorns]

I don't think so, at least, I have not seen here, since Gamzee and I got here....

[now that you ask I am unsure of myself, of course. what if I just haven't found her? oh dear.]

[pincerattack]

GOOD.

[...still surly about getting put in the recuperacoon, though. what are you, his lusus? he doesn't even need a nap, gog.]

[bythehorns]

Um, sorry, for trying, to help, and not being very good at it, I guess.

[glorious]

I'm not certain how much you know about my species. However we, along with the rest of our world, are nearing the inevitable end of our lifespan. To extend the life on our world, we'll need to recreate our race and species without the deficiencies that we've had before. A rebirth of a sort.

Of course, in order to be reborn we must first die. The original world must be wiped to make way for the new one.

That's the part I'd like you to help me with, if you're interested. You certainly seem capable of doing a thorough job of it.

[pincerattack]

[WAIT A GOGDAMN MINUTE HERE, THIS SOUNDS LIKE SGRUB.]

Wiped away-- actually, we're already in a SGRUB session. Or we were, until SOMEONE DID SOMETHING TO FUCK IT ALL UP AND IF YOU'RE LISTENING YOU ARE KICKED OFF THE RED TEAM FOREVER. Who even knows what this place or how we've fucked anything up by coming here.

Also, what I know of your species is stupid sarcasm and tricks, horrible rap battles, and THE MOST INFURIATING RAGE INDUCING WASTE OF CARBON BASED MATERIAL IN THE ENTIRE KNOWN UNIVERSE AND HIS STUPID PRANKING AND STUPID BLUE TEXT AND HIS STUPID EVERYTHING. ...and one of them who is sort of okay, I guess.

[glorious]

A SGRUB session...

It seems you've met the drecks of my species already. I'm certain once we find out what happened we'd be able to return you to your... session. You'll be able to continue carrying out your annihilation and reconstruction then.

For the time being, we should focus on learning to coexist. I doubt Tavros would be happy if we killed each other here.