crankycave | This is definitely not LOWAS

[you are never in a million years going to ever admit to anyone how much good sleeping for a day has done for you and your temperment, because if you do that Gamzee will just validate his feelings that you are someone to be shooshed anytime you have something to do besides sit around and 'be a chill motherfucker.' but it did do you good! you have even leveled up to BORED AND AIMLESS from CRANKY AND ANNOYED, and are sort of halfheartedly wandering through the cranky cave-- which could not be a more natural habitat for you if it tried, let's be honest-- to see what's here. plus, you can hear Tavros clanking around, and he would certainly make a better conversationalist than Gamzee. it's the whole 'not paping you right between the horns' thing.

…wait, what's this? more humans, really? But. Wait a minute. Wait a gogdamn minute. You recognize this feeling in you! You know this human who is making more complete and utter really good blackromcom-quality hatred well up in your bloodpumper.

JOHN HUMAN EGBERT HAS SHOWN HIS FACE HERE. THE SPIKED CLAWCOVER HAS BEEN THROWN.]

YOU.

[Yes, it was really that loud.]

[you duck, thinking maybe a bomb has gone off! But no, that noise was a word and that word was directed at you! Straightening, you look over at who that word came from. A very angry looking troll is staring and gosh, WHO ELSE COULD BE POSSIBLY HOLD THAT MUCH RAGE?!]

Karkat!

[it's your fellow friendleader and gosh, the highly anticipated meeting is finally happening!]

[!!!! HE RECOGNIZES YOU. You were not actually expecting that! In fact, you sort of had a dramatic comeback half-prepared that would have utterly eviscerated him for not recognizing his archrival. Now you have no paralyzing rejoinder for him! ...well played, John.]

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR FACE? THAT EXPRESSION IS SO MANY DIMENSIONS OF CREEPY THAT FOR A SECOND I THOUGHT MAYBE AMPORA HAD DRESSED UP IN AN EVEN WEIRDER COSTUME THAN USUAL.

[...not your best work, Vantas. Not at all. This was not in the plan!]

Haha, dude, you can't insult me by comparing me to someone I don't even know! I bet this Ampora guy's pretty swank and you just secretly gave me a compliment!

[You launch yourself at Karkat and swoop him up in the MANLIEST HUG]

[Aha, you've confused him! Finally, an opening! This is why Terezi keeps telling you that you're wasted on being a threshecutioner and you really should think about becoming an eviscorator when you're older because no one threatens people with as much flair you do, Karkat, even if you don't agree with her because threshecutioner is a way cooler job. You're just about to light his hair on fire with the, as Terezi would say, sickness of this burn when--

--when he starts trying to crush you. Or shooshpap you, which is actually worse, and you can't quite tell which one he's going for!

The noise that comes out of you is embarassing and not manly and actually kind of a chirpy squawk! Because WHAT THE GOGDAMN FUCK and also OW MY RIBS CANNOT HANDLE ALL THAT MANGRIT and also WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING HERE.]

[oh no, you broke him!]

Wow, Karkat, are you okay?! You kind of sounded like one of those squeaky toys dogs chew on!

[Despite your concern, you kind of start smiling because gosh, that was. he just. that was hilarious]

[he IS trying to shoosh you! this is sick and wrong! ARGH!]

I'M FUCKING FANTASTIC, NO THANKS TO THAT PATHETIC ATTEMPT AT SUPLEXING ME. IS THAT WHAT YOU CALL THE OPENING MOVE OF A THROWDOWN? BECAUSE I HAVE HONEST TO GOG SEEN GRUBS WITH BETTER OFFENSIVE MOVES THAN THAT. IF I DIDN'T KNOW FUCKING BETTER I WOULD SAY YOU WERE TRYING TO USE HARASSING MOVES TO MATCH THAT HORRIBLE SEAHORSE FACE YOU WERE MAKING. AND I MUST KNOW BETTER, BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAY YOU WOULD BE SO INCREDIBLY EMPTY-THINKPANNED TO ACTUALLY THINK I'M GOING TO GO AROUND ACTING LIKE SOME KIND OF PALESLUT WHEN MY MOIRAIL IS RIGHT HERE SOMEWHERE IN THIS GOGFORSAKEN CAVE. RIGHT? THAT MUST HAVE BEEN AN AWFUL ATTEMPT AT CRUSHING MY THORAX.

Haha, gosh, Karkat, that sure was a lot of words! I'm not sure what all of them meant but I'm not trying to make you act like a slut, pale or otherwise! I'm not even sure what that means but it definitely sounds like something I'm not trying to do!

[gosh, you feel kind of like a jerk now! You remember your dad trying to tell you about ~unwanted touching~ and gosh, you'd been super embarrassed and totally waved him off. AND NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID.]

That was just a friendly hug but I guess I was so happy to see you that I kind of got carried away. I'll definitely not do it again though!

[ARGH, EVERYTHING IS BACKFIRING. EVERYTHING. All the good your time in the recuperacoon did to you is being rapidly undone by John Egbert and his weirdness and his touching and his being annoying! ARGH.]

Argh! No! It was supposed to be an attempt to crush me! Weren't you listening?

[he's more frustrated than screamy now, really. so much effort for so little payoff. ;_; ]

What, why would I crush you? I like you the way you are, all whole and not flat! Gosh, Karkat, you sure are weird!

[Does he actually understand the noises that are coming out of that hole in his face, because you don't think he does. The alternative, that he doesn't hate you, is just too much. The whole wanting it to be platonic hate, well, fine, you can deal with that! BUT IF YOU'RE TOO PITIFUL TO HATE THEN WHAT DO YOU HAVE LEFT? WHAT?]

I AM DONE EXPLAINING WHY YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HATE ME. [this is the slump of a troll whose babby dreams are dying, it really is. hell, the volume's probably overkill now. there's a huge difference between getting rejected online and getting rejected in person, and you have just learned it.]

[Oh no! This meeting really isn't going to way you'd planned it and now Karkat kind of looks like he's been punched in the gut! And not in the way he apparently wants it! You fiddle with the edge of your hoodie, stricken by indecision. If you try and comfort him, he'll say you're trying to turn him into a pale-slut again, which. Oh well! You can't just let him slump there, looking so depressed!

You very tentatively pat him on the shoulder.]

I'm really sorry, Karkat. I guess maybe some humans are capable of that kind of hate but I'm not and I guess that's really disappointing for you but I sure hope we can still be friends!

[ARRRRRRGH WHY DOES EVERYTHING HE DOES OR SAYS MAKE YOU WANT TO RAGE OUT ALL OVER AGAIN? AT THIS RATE YOU ARE GOING TO FLIP YOUR SHIT. AGAIN.

...also fuck, is this some kind of human version of 'it's not you, it's me' that he's trying to pull? Because that excuse is always stupid. It never works in movies! Ever! It's like he's opening up his face and the words 'this is totally you, Karkat, I am going to hate someone else' are coming out. Because that is basically what movies and your own feelings of inadequacy and your stubborn insistence on doing things you are awful at and pretending you are good at them have taught you to hear! ARRRRRRRRGH. PNEUMATIC DRILL, RIGHT THROUGH THE THINKPAN. AND THE BLOODPUMPER. ARRRRRRRRRRGH.]

Would you just shut up for a gogdamn second.

[annnnnd now the humiliated 'let us never speak of this again' reaction is kicking in, which is even worse in person because you are definitely blushing. like a gogdamn... thing that is very red.]

Nope, there will be no shutting up here! You're my friend and you're hurting and even though it's my fault, I want to make you feel better but I don't know how! I'm trying really hard not to be culturally insensitive but I think I'm doing a bad job.

I WOULD JUST LIKE TO PRETEND THAT NONE OF THE COLOSSALLY STUPID HOPES THAT I MAY HAVE HARBORED EVER EXISTED, AND ALSO THAT THIS CONVERSATION NEVER HAPPENED BECAUSE HOW COULD I BE FUCKING MORONIC ENOUGH TO DO THE RELATIONSHIP EQUIVALENT OF STANDING UP AND SCREAMING COME AND GET ME, MOTHERFUCKER, I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOUR LIGHTNING UP AT THE SKY?

Well....I guess, if you really want to do that, Karkat. I really am sorry though. We can totally pretend this conversation never, ever happened!

[there's going to be a HUGE CRACK between you guys now, oh no! You kind of want to ask if Karkat hates you now but you don't know what kind of hate is good and what kind of hate is bad and it's so confusing! you officially wish you'd never landed in this stupid cave!]

[FEELINGS. EVERYWHERE. You're still tired and stressed and gogdamnit nobody else here seems to care that BAD THINGS ARE GOING TO PROBABLY HAPPEN IF YOU STAY STUCK HERE, best case scenario the others have killed each other and worst case scenario nobody gives the other humans any guidance and everything goes to hell again! YOU STILL HAVE LEADERLY RESPONSIBILITIES that quite frankly it seems like Gamzee and Tavros would like you to FORGET ABOUT and ARRRRGH YOUR ENTIRE BODY IS GOING TO EXPLODE AT THIS RATE. This here, this stupidity just adds to it!! ...not that you are going to spill all these feelings out to this human like he's your fucking moirail, or anything, BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT.]

Yet again, Karkat Vantas displays his TOTAL TALENT FOR FUCKING EVERYTHING UP! Why do I even surprise myself anymore!

What, no way! Look at all these fucks, they're the exact opposite of up! It's okay, Karkat, I don't even know what you're talking about!

[You're totally going to do what Karkat wants and just forget about the whole thing! You're a little sad and maybe kind of thinking about what you've just done but that's okay because it's not about you! It's about making Karkat feel better!]

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. THE DIRECTION IN WHICH THINGS ARE FUCKED IS INDISPUTABLY UP. IT IS A LAW OF NATURE. THINGS SCIENCE HAS DISCOVERED: THERMODYNAMICS, HOW MAGNETS WORK, FASTER THAN LIGHT TRAVEL, THE EXISTENCE OF MYTHICAL HORROTERRORS, AND THAT KARKAT VANTAS IS ONLY CAPABLE OF FUCKING THINGS INTO ONE DIRECTION AND THAT DIRECTION IS UP. MAYBE YOUR EARTH SCIENCE DOESN'T KNOW THESE THINGS YET.

I'm pretty sure that last one is not science or fact, it is simply an opinion based on years of fucking things up! But it's okay now, I will totally help you in your quest to fuck things down!

YEARS OF FUCKING THINGS UP WOULD IMPLY THAT ME FUCKING THINGS UP, FACT! OR HAVE YOU NOT BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO OH, A SINGLE GOGDAMN THING EVER. AND THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FUCKING THINGS DOWN, YOU ARE MAKING THAT UP.

[also, fucking things down sounds like something you'd do with a bucket, WHY ARE YOU BEING GROSS]

Gosh Karkat, just because you've only fucked things up before doesn't mean that's all you're ever going to be able to do! Don't be such a debbie downer!

POSSIBLY I HAVE ACQUIRED A HEARING DEFECT, BECAUSE I CANNOT BELIEVE THE WORDS THAT I AM HEARING. THEY MAKE SO LITTLE SENSE I FEEL LIKE I AM LOSING SOME BY ASSOCIATION. AND YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD BE AWARE OF THE THINGS MY FUCKUPS HAVE DONE TO THE VERY FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE. THEY ARE, IN FACT, BOTH MIND-BLOWINGLY COLOSSAL AND MIND-BLOWINGLY FUCKED UP, THE END RESULT OF WHICH IS THAT I HAVE BEEN LIVING ON AN ASTEROID WITH A GROUP OF INCREDIBLY DYSFUNCTIONAL TROLLS AND UNTIL YESTERDAY I HAD NO SLEPT FOR SIX HUNDRED HOURS. OH, AND ALSO THAT THE UNIVERSE, TOTALLY FUCKED! HAVE FUN WITH THAT, YOU'RE WELCOME.

SO I AM INCREDIBLY SORRY THAT I AM HARSHING YOUR HAPPY HUMAN VIBE WITH MY NEGATIVITY, EXCEPT NO I'M NOT!

Jeeez, Karkat, save some words for the rest of us, haha! No worries though, my human vibe is the very opposite of harshed! In fact, I'm going to be happy for the both of us! And I'm going to stick with you so that you can enjoy the happy, even if it's totally vicariously!

OH THIS IS AWESOME, KARKAT!! YET ANOTHER THING YOU HAVE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY FAILED AT DOING! THIS LIST JUST KEEPS GETTING LONGER AND LONGER!! SOON IT WILL BE LONG ENOUGH THAT HER IMPERIAL CONDESCE WILL BE ABLE TO USE IT TO FIND HER WAY BACK TO ALTERNIA!

[Jooooohn you are so confusing, what do these words even MEAN. More self-flagellation is the only reponse that seems to make sense!]]

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