crankycave | This is definitely not LOWAS

[Does he actually understand the noises that are coming out of that hole in his face, because you don't think he does. The alternative, that he doesn't hate you, is just too much. The whole wanting it to be platonic hate, well, fine, you can deal with that! BUT IF YOU'RE TOO PITIFUL TO HATE THEN WHAT DO YOU HAVE LEFT? WHAT?]

I AM DONE EXPLAINING WHY YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO HATE ME. [this is the slump of a troll whose babby dreams are dying, it really is. hell, the volume's probably overkill now. there's a huge difference between getting rejected online and getting rejected in person, and you have just learned it.]

[Oh no! This meeting really isn't going to way you'd planned it and now Karkat kind of looks like he's been punched in the gut! And not in the way he apparently wants it! You fiddle with the edge of your hoodie, stricken by indecision. If you try and comfort him, he'll say you're trying to turn him into a pale-slut again, which. Oh well! You can't just let him slump there, looking so depressed!

You very tentatively pat him on the shoulder.]

I'm really sorry, Karkat. I guess maybe some humans are capable of that kind of hate but I'm not and I guess that's really disappointing for you but I sure hope we can still be friends!

[ARRRRRRGH WHY DOES EVERYTHING HE DOES OR SAYS MAKE YOU WANT TO RAGE OUT ALL OVER AGAIN? AT THIS RATE YOU ARE GOING TO FLIP YOUR SHIT. AGAIN.

...also fuck, is this some kind of human version of 'it's not you, it's me' that he's trying to pull? Because that excuse is always stupid. It never works in movies! Ever! It's like he's opening up his face and the words 'this is totally you, Karkat, I am going to hate someone else' are coming out. Because that is basically what movies and your own feelings of inadequacy and your stubborn insistence on doing things you are awful at and pretending you are good at them have taught you to hear! ARRRRRRRRGH. PNEUMATIC DRILL, RIGHT THROUGH THE THINKPAN. AND THE BLOODPUMPER. ARRRRRRRRRRGH.]

Would you just shut up for a gogdamn second.

[annnnnd now the humiliated 'let us never speak of this again' reaction is kicking in, which is even worse in person because you are definitely blushing. like a gogdamn... thing that is very red.]

Nope, there will be no shutting up here! You're my friend and you're hurting and even though it's my fault, I want to make you feel better but I don't know how! I'm trying really hard not to be culturally insensitive but I think I'm doing a bad job.

I WOULD JUST LIKE TO PRETEND THAT NONE OF THE COLOSSALLY STUPID HOPES THAT I MAY HAVE HARBORED EVER EXISTED, AND ALSO THAT THIS CONVERSATION NEVER HAPPENED BECAUSE HOW COULD I BE FUCKING MORONIC ENOUGH TO DO THE RELATIONSHIP EQUIVALENT OF STANDING UP AND SCREAMING COME AND GET ME, MOTHERFUCKER, I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOUR LIGHTNING UP AT THE SKY?

Well....I guess, if you really want to do that, Karkat. I really am sorry though. We can totally pretend this conversation never, ever happened!

[there's going to be a HUGE CRACK between you guys now, oh no! You kind of want to ask if Karkat hates you now but you don't know what kind of hate is good and what kind of hate is bad and it's so confusing! you officially wish you'd never landed in this stupid cave!]

[FEELINGS. EVERYWHERE. You're still tired and stressed and gogdamnit nobody else here seems to care that BAD THINGS ARE GOING TO PROBABLY HAPPEN IF YOU STAY STUCK HERE, best case scenario the others have killed each other and worst case scenario nobody gives the other humans any guidance and everything goes to hell again! YOU STILL HAVE LEADERLY RESPONSIBILITIES that quite frankly it seems like Gamzee and Tavros would like you to FORGET ABOUT and ARRRRGH YOUR ENTIRE BODY IS GOING TO EXPLODE AT THIS RATE. This here, this stupidity just adds to it!! ...not that you are going to spill all these feelings out to this human like he's your fucking moirail, or anything, BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT.]

Yet again, Karkat Vantas displays his TOTAL TALENT FOR FUCKING EVERYTHING UP! Why do I even surprise myself anymore!

What, no way! Look at all these fucks, they're the exact opposite of up! It's okay, Karkat, I don't even know what you're talking about!

[You're totally going to do what Karkat wants and just forget about the whole thing! You're a little sad and maybe kind of thinking about what you've just done but that's okay because it's not about you! It's about making Karkat feel better!]

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. THE DIRECTION IN WHICH THINGS ARE FUCKED IS INDISPUTABLY UP. IT IS A LAW OF NATURE. THINGS SCIENCE HAS DISCOVERED: THERMODYNAMICS, HOW MAGNETS WORK, FASTER THAN LIGHT TRAVEL, THE EXISTENCE OF MYTHICAL HORROTERRORS, AND THAT KARKAT VANTAS IS ONLY CAPABLE OF FUCKING THINGS INTO ONE DIRECTION AND THAT DIRECTION IS UP. MAYBE YOUR EARTH SCIENCE DOESN'T KNOW THESE THINGS YET.

I'm pretty sure that last one is not science or fact, it is simply an opinion based on years of fucking things up! But it's okay now, I will totally help you in your quest to fuck things down!

YEARS OF FUCKING THINGS UP WOULD IMPLY THAT ME FUCKING THINGS UP, FACT! OR HAVE YOU NOT BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO OH, A SINGLE GOGDAMN THING EVER. AND THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS FUCKING THINGS DOWN, YOU ARE MAKING THAT UP.

[also, fucking things down sounds like something you'd do with a bucket, WHY ARE YOU BEING GROSS]

Gosh Karkat, just because you've only fucked things up before doesn't mean that's all you're ever going to be able to do! Don't be such a debbie downer!

POSSIBLY I HAVE ACQUIRED A HEARING DEFECT, BECAUSE I CANNOT BELIEVE THE WORDS THAT I AM HEARING. THEY MAKE SO LITTLE SENSE I FEEL LIKE I AM LOSING SOME BY ASSOCIATION. AND YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD BE AWARE OF THE THINGS MY FUCKUPS HAVE DONE TO THE VERY FABRIC OF THE UNIVERSE. THEY ARE, IN FACT, BOTH MIND-BLOWINGLY COLOSSAL AND MIND-BLOWINGLY FUCKED UP, THE END RESULT OF WHICH IS THAT I HAVE BEEN LIVING ON AN ASTEROID WITH A GROUP OF INCREDIBLY DYSFUNCTIONAL TROLLS AND UNTIL YESTERDAY I HAD NO SLEPT FOR SIX HUNDRED HOURS. OH, AND ALSO THAT THE UNIVERSE, TOTALLY FUCKED! HAVE FUN WITH THAT, YOU'RE WELCOME.

SO I AM INCREDIBLY SORRY THAT I AM HARSHING YOUR HAPPY HUMAN VIBE WITH MY NEGATIVITY, EXCEPT NO I'M NOT!

Jeeez, Karkat, save some words for the rest of us, haha! No worries though, my human vibe is the very opposite of harshed! In fact, I'm going to be happy for the both of us! And I'm going to stick with you so that you can enjoy the happy, even if it's totally vicariously!

OH THIS IS AWESOME, KARKAT!! YET ANOTHER THING YOU HAVE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY FAILED AT DOING! THIS LIST JUST KEEPS GETTING LONGER AND LONGER!! SOON IT WILL BE LONG ENOUGH THAT HER IMPERIAL CONDESCE WILL BE ABLE TO USE IT TO FIND HER WAY BACK TO ALTERNIA!

[Jooooohn you are so confusing, what do these words even MEAN. More self-flagellation is the only reponse that seems to make sense!]]

[oh gosh, if you were a different person, you would think Karkat were hopeless! But you're not another person, you're John Egbert and you don't think anyone hopeless, least of all your co-palhoncho!]

[you put your hands on Karkat's shoulders and shaking him very gently!]

I was only joking, jeeez! And before you say something like 'oh look, Karkat has messed up again, rah, rah I'm angry,' don't! You are waaaaay harder on yourself than anyone else and it's really kind of sad!

[you let go of him before he can say the word pale-slut - whatever that means! - and frown. You sure wish Rose were here! She would know what to do!]

[what is with Egbert and all his paletouching? he is enraging mostly because he is CONFUSING! at least you understand it when Gamzee does it because he's (1) your moirail and (2) a high clown, and Terezi sort of making out with you once doesn't even count because she licks everything. Kanaya basically wants to be everyone's ashen quadrant as far as you can tell, and nobody else you know really goes around touching people like that. and it's not like he gets why you're saying the things you are!]

I have to be! Who else is going to if I'm not? If you're a leader, you should get that!

But gosh, Karkat, what good does it do you to beat yourself up over things in the past that you can't even do anything about? I'm pretty sure that doesn't make any sense!

SO I DON'T DO THEM AGAIN! [yyyyyyep, volume is back, but with feelings]

[you have to admit, his logic is pretty airtight!]

Hey! Why don't I just remind you not to do them again?

[8B]

BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT ALWAYS FUCKING AROUND, YOU IDIOT HUMAN. NOT EVERYBODY HAS SOMEBODY THERE TO FUCKING REMIND HIM OF THESE THINGS, SOME OF US ACTUALLY HAD TO LEARN SELF-RELIANCE. YOU KNOW, THAT THING WHERE YOU HAVE TO GET YOUR OWN GOGDAMN CLAWS DIRTY AND BE YOUR OWN MEMO BOARD AND EVEN FUCKING BAN YOURSELF FROM IT WHEN YOU NEED TO. BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE IS THERE TO DO IT.

[feeeeeeelings, they are a thing]

[he sure does have a point there! because after you get out of this cave - and you're pretty sure it's a quest, you just have to find out what it is you're questing for - it'll be back to pesterchat until the game is finished and then what? That train of thought kind of makes you really sad so you quickly stop thinking it. That is not a track you want to go down right now!]

But Karkat that's what friends are for, for you to rely on them! And I might not be around all the time but when I am around, why can't you lean on me a little? I really want to help you, gosh! I know that you think I'm annoying and you're mad about that thing that I don't think we're suppose to talk about anymore but damn it, let me help you!

[....you're pretty sure that didn't hold a candle to Karkat's PASSIONATE SPEECHES but it got your point across, anyway!]

[d-did he just talk back to you? DID HE JUST USE AN EXCLAMATION POINT THAT WASN'T APPENDING A SENTENCE FULL OF CHILDISH HUMAN GLEE? if you had any more romance and any less cranky rage in your heart, you might giggle because you got to him.]

Trolls don't do that! What am I supposed to do, drop everything I know after one face to face conversation with you? SOMEONE NOTIFY GAMZEE, APPARENTLY JOHN HUMAN EGBERT IS DISPENSING FLUFFBEASTS AND MIRACLES AND STARDUST ALL OVER THE PLACE.

[aaugh! you're getting so frustrated! you're pretty tempted to prank him just for being so annoying.]

Okay, well, why don't trolls do that? Because you guys don't trust each other or something like that, right? So are you saying you don't trust me because jeeez, Karkat. That sucks. I like to think I'm a pretty trustworthy guy!

WELL GOGDAMN IT'S NOT LIKE I'VE MAYBE BEEN ON A PLANET FULL OF PEOPLE WHO KILL EACH OTHER FOR FUN AND SHIT FOR MY WHOLE LIFE, OR ANYTHING. OR THAT I HAVE MET APPROXIMATELY FIVE AND A HALF TROLLS I WOULD MOSTLY TRUST NOT TO SHIV ME. MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE A LITTLE MORE CULTURALLY SENSITIVE.

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