crankycave | This is definitely not LOWAS

[AHHHHH STOP SAYING THINGS LIKE 'THAT'S HORRIBLE, I'M SORRY' BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAY JOHN IS SAYING THEM THE WAY YOU HEAR THEM AND YOU KNOW THAT. And you had never for a second until now even considered being flushed for him, not over Trollian, because he was a jackass with stupid highblood-blue text who made you so gogdamn angry and hateful that you were so, so sure he was the one. and that was why you got so humiliated over him rejecting you! and why you tried again, even kind of knowing what he'd say again! and now he's here and jegus he's pitiful with his stupid outfit and his weird teeth and the fact he's blatantly pitying you right out loud and. and. your brain cannot handle this right now.]

Would you STOP FUCKING SAYING THINGS LIKE THAT? It doesn't mean what you think it does to trolls, and this is just going to lead to me getting my hopes up and you'll tell me you don't pity me, either, and I'll have another screaming fit at you and we'll be right back here again! Just shut up unless you know what you're saying! IS THAT TOO FUCKING MUCH FOR YOU.

[you fiddle with your godtier hood, nervously play with the tip of it.]

But. I do pity you Karkat and i know that's really rude so I won't say it again but-

[wait. You vaguely remember what he said about trolls and how they have hate and pity and how pity is basically like love and-

you flush bright red and kind of gawk at him because does that mean that he's started pitying you now, instead of hating you? And you just told him you pity him! Twice!...and you're not sure you want to take it back! You turtle back in your hoodie to hide your face and gosh, you sure are glad it's so big!]

Uhm, okay. I'm sor- I mean. Okay.

[what does this meeaaan?]

[AGREED, WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS EVEN MEAN.]

[you pretty much just have your face in your hands at this point, because oh gog your whole face must be bright red and yeah, you seem to have screamed to the entire universe that you're a mutant but there's no need to advertise what color your stupid mutant blood is.]

Just... what part are you even saying okay to?

[you're guessing it's 'okay, I'll shut up,' but, well, he does keep saying really determined things like BUT I DO PITY YOU and oh gog it's like you're in a movie and this is stupid but also pretty much the culmination of every unrealistic flushed-confession scenario you could have possibly wanted from anyone. which is why it can't possibly be true and he's just saying that yes, he will shut up.]

[you chew on your bottom lip because you don't know and you don't want to be a huge jerk and get his hopes up again but you also aren't sure what you're feeling either and. Gosh. GOSH.]

I don't know what I'm saying okay to!

[well, that's just going to make him mad! Again!]

I mean, uh, I guess I'm not saying I will shut up because, haha, I don't know how to shut up, everyone's always told me I sure do like to babble a lot and...

[oh god. this is really awkward and you slap your hands over your face, in your hood]

Uh, anyways, I will totally think about what I say before I say it and I'm sorry for being so dumb about all this!

[yeah, he's just going to-- WAIT, WHAT. SERIOUSLY, WHAT. either he's intentionally skirting the question to avoid the subject, he's pranking you, or he meant to say he will not shut up in the way the question was framed.

OH GOG. OH JEGUS. YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHICH ONE IT IS RIGHT NOW.

...you peek out from between your fingers anyway! because maybe you can tell from his face if he's being sincere or not! except you can't, because he's making the exact same gesture you are under his hood. you aren't up to talking right now, though. nope. not until you've figured out if you're being had or not.]

[oh jeez, Karkat's not saying anything and that's just. bad. You tilt your head and look at him from around your hoodie and he's-

he's peeking at you! Despite the situation, you grin because gosh, that sure is...something, anyway.]

Uh. I guess I'm saying okay to both the shutting up about things I don't understand and the, you know. The pity thing too.

[and now he is looking and it doesn't look like he's pranking you! and he SAID YES ABOUT BOTH and he probably doesn't know what he's talking about, still, and it's the most pitiful thing you've ever seen.

... <333333333]

B-both?

[oh, of course your voice would come out weird and squeaky! IT JUST FIGURES. you sort of inch towards him, though, sideways sort of like a crab. because, well, nervousness calls back childhood habits you picked up from your lusus! until you're close enough you can see his stupid teeth and his stupid highblood eyes up close and fuck you're going to regret this: you hug him.]

[oh gosh, he sure is getting close and he's coming at you sideways, are you guys about to strife-

....oh. Oh! A hug! Whew! Also, it's about time! You lean your head against his shoulder and grin.]

See, Karkat? Hugs are awesome.

[this is way, way different from moirail hugs, that's for sure! it's pretty obvious now why they call moirallegiance pale and matespritship flushed, because it feels like all of your blood is sparking, like it's that stupid strawberry sludge Gamzee drinks and all the bubbles are popping up against your skin. ...and if you're making comparisons like that, even in your head, you need to sit down and remind yourself THAT'S CARBONATION, FUCKASS. not that you'll be doing that right now! your face must be so, so red with it right now, and you can't even care.

you sure aren't going anywhere right now, just hanging on because this? this is awesome.]

[Karkat's just hanging on and you're okay with that except that he might be squeezing a little hard! So you pat his back and pull away just a little! Just enough to look at him and gosh, his face sure is red but so's yours so that only fair.

But now you don't really know what to say so you just grin and you're pretty sure you look even more like a dope than usual.]

[and now it's your turn to hide your face in his shoulder because after a brief debate with yourself about what would be more embarassing-- letting him see you start to tear up or possibly crying a little bit on his shirt-- not letting him see your stupid ocular openings water like you're some kind of little kid wins out. this is stupid! for once in just about ever you have no reason to cry about what's going on!

annnnd there is definitely no talking because then he will for sure know and oh gog this is so humiliating.]

[Jeeez, Karkat sure is a huge cuddler! You're beginning to get a little embarrassed though and your stomach feels like it's all twisted up in knots!

And Karkat's making weird noise against your shoulder! What's up with that?]

Are you okay?

[ahhh, and now you're being culturally insensitive or something, and normally you wouldn't actually give two fucks about that but right now you sort of do! because fucking this up would be colossally bad! it is time to put you shit back together, so that it may be duly flipped later at a to be determined time. so you let go, because he definitely sounds like this is getting awkward for him. you have watched enough movies to know this.]

I'M FINE.

[...you're gonna turn away just in case, though.]

[Wow, what just happened? It kind of seems like he's mad at you! You frown at his back and rewind the past few minutes.]

Are you sure? You sure seem like you're not fine!

[you float up so that you can wrap your arms around his shoulders from behind without totally tapping your hips against him because whoa, that would be super awkward.]

Why are you hiding your face, Karkittykat?

[--did you completely misread that awkwardness? you could have sworn-- well, maybe you need to watch some human romantic comedies, even if they're stupid and only have one quadrant.]

I'M--

[and there you are, not able to get the actual words in edgewise because he's hugging you again! and fuck, it still feels really awesome and just how touchy is John, anyway? he's actually chasing you down to hug you, which is... actually kind of like Gamzee on a feelings jam rampage, actually, except somehow way less annoying. which is a string of words that should never be within five paragraphs of John, but there it-- WHAT THE FUCK IS HE CALLING YOU. WHY IS HE TALKING LIKE NEPETA. talk about a feelings killer!]

...THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME?

[fine then, if he's going to call you stupid names then you're going to make this awkward, after all!! it seems like there's enough room for you to turn around, which will put your face right in front of his and he can see what was wrong and it'll be awkward! so there!]

[Haha, you sure didn't think he would like that name! You laugh until he turns around and you choke on your laughter.]

Karkat, what happened?!

[You grip his face in your hands and stare at his eyes and you're pretty sure your eyes are going to pop right out of your head! His eyes are glossed over red a-and-]

Why are you bleeding?! Is there something in your eyes? Come on, let's go wash them out!

[you actually can't tell if John is mocking your or if he's just the stupidest person in five universes. possibly both! you definitely need to watch some human movies, at any rate, because you haven't flailed around relationships this much since you were a wriggler who was too young to watch the really risque blackrom stuff (at least, you're pretty sure that's why your lusus kept turning them off).]

HAHA, YEAH, IT'S TOTALLY HILARIOUS THAT I CRIED LIKE SOME STUPID WRIGGLER. YOU CAN STOP THE DRAMATIC PRANK.

Oh, you're crying?!

[you heave a deep breath and let go of him to lean back and grin.]

Gosh, Karkat, I thought you got something horrible stuck in your eyes. Like. The universe's most lethal dust or something!

[You pause.]

Wait. Why were you crying?!

[wait, what. LOOKS LIKE STUPIDEST PERSON IN FIVE UNIVERSES, IT IS.]

For fuck's sake. I REALIZE I HAVE MUTANT FREAK-COLORED BLOOD, BUT IS IT REALLY NECESSARY TO MAKE A FUCKING TEN-ACT STAGE PRODUCTION OUT OF HOW WEIRD IT IS?

[...fuck, he's forward about all that pity, isn't he? it's kind of nice! nicer than those times Terezi licked your eyeball, anyway, and that's most of your prior personal experience with romantic pity.]

FUCK, I DON'T KNOW. THIS IS SO STUPID, I DON'T EVEN KNOW!

Okay dude, no, your blood's the same color as mine, why would it freak me out? It's just jeeez, I sure wasn't expecting it to be coming from your eyes! I didn't know trolls cried blood, that sure is weird!

[you wonder if trolls need a blood transfusion if they go through a really bad breakup or if there's a death in the family. you decide now is not the time to ask!]

It's not a big deal, Karkat! You're just experiencing a major case of the feelings, I guess! It happens to everyone!

[okay, you academically know this is true but it still makes you kind of twitchy to hear him just say it like that! especially when his eyes don't match it so it's not like anyone can tell!]

YEAH, FUCK, WHAT AM I THINKING, ASSUMING THAT THE HORRIBLE CULLING-WORTHY MUTATION I HAVE WOULDN'T BE NORMAL FOR SOME MOTHERFUCKER FROM ANOTHER PLANET! LO, I AM TRULY A VAST EXAMPLE OF IGNORANCE, THE STUPIDEST BEING IN FIVE UNIVERSES. WRIGGLERS ON OTHER WORLDS ARE GOING TO READ ABOUT ME AS WHO NOT TO EMULATE.

[you aren't doing a very good job of sounding angry. actually, you sound a little bit hysterical.]

[You're getting frustrated but you kind of feel bad for being frustrated but jeeez, Karkat keeps twisting everything up so that you feel like a huge jerk! Even though you're not even sure what he's saying most of the time!]

Augh, calm down, I didn't say anything like that! Everything I say makes you mad at me! Should I leave you alone or something?

[OH HEY LOOK, ANOTHER FAILURE! Congratulations, Karkat, you have leveled up from YAPPING ANKLEBITER to JADED JACKASS on your echeladder! This level-up gives you no boondollars, because they are useless here. It also gives you a crushing sense of disappointment! In fact, you somewhat suspect you have lost a rank.]

I-- NO!

[For once in your fucking life you actually realize it might be time to stop yelling, if only because you're scrubbing at your eyes pretty suspiciously.]

This is really hard for me, okay?

[you're pretty sure whatever you say will probably make him angry so you go ahead and blurt words out!]

Okay, I get that and I get that you don't really trust me! I guess you don't actually have a reason to and your life sure has been difficult! But gosh, Karkat. I don't really know how not to make you angry! Not the regular angry, I mean. The super angry!

You keep acting like all these horrible things don't mean anything! When you find out something that could get me killed and all you say is haha, so what, of course that makes me angry! And you keep saying these things that I know you don't understand, so I'm angry at myself for taking them the way I want to hear instead of whatever human way you mean them! And then I do stupid things like scream because I'm mad at myself, or cry like a stupid grub, and that just makes it worse!

[You're just blurting out words at this point, too! This is the biggest feelings jam you've probably ever had.]

This is definitely not LOWAS

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