This is definitely not LOWAS

[prankster_gambit]

[In a particularly nasty part of the already generally unpleasant cave, John Egbert descends, catching himself before he takes a nasty fall. This place sure doesn't look familiar but that's okay. Nothing has looked familiar in a while! Instead of climbing down the steep decline, John floats down because gosh, floating is awesome; he's pretty that if floating were a thing people could just do, shoes would be totally obsolete.

Landing at the bottom of whatever makes up caves - biology is his thing, not geology! - John looks around.]

Hello?

Comments

[prankster_gambit]

[what is going on?]

Uh, Karkat, what...?

[pincerattack]

[YOU WON'T GET HIM TO STOP BEING QUIET UP IN HERE THAT EASILY. BECAUSE WHEN HE TALKS IT'S GOING TO BE FULL OF FEELINGS HE ALREADY DECLARED DO NOT EXIST AND NEVER HAPPENED.]

[prankster_gambit]

[maybe he's sick? Karkat's being quiet and that's weird and not normal and-

or maybe it's a prank? you are unsure what to do! you're concerned but wary so you use your judgement and decide to show your concern in a PRANKING MANNER.

you put your hands on his cheeks -they are squishy, d'awww - to check his temperature]

Karkat are you okay?

[pincerattack]

[YOU CAN'T TALK WHILE HOLDING YOUR BREATH, BUT YOU SURE CAN HEADBUTT JOHN WITH YOUR NUBBY LITTLE HORNS!! IT MIGHT NOT BE VERY EFFECTIVE, AS YOU LACK ANY SHARP EDGES ON THEM, BUT YOUR CHILD-SAFETY HORNS MIGHT STILL GET THE MESSAGE ACROSS.]

[prankster_gambit]

[the headbutt didn't really hurt but it sure does surprise you and while his horns are nubby, they're blunt and you're pretty sure you might develop bruises on your forehead!]

Karkat!

[you start to laugh]

You're like a little billy goat!

[pincerattack]

[OH FUCK IT THAT WAS SO STUPID YOU CAN'T HELP BUT START BREATHING AGAIN OUT OF SHEER HORROR. Also, you're starting to run out of air! After you catch your breath, though, it's time for the feelings beatdown because you can't take this anymore!]

I AM NOT SOME GOGDAMN BLEATBEAST! I WAS BEING FUCKING QUIET SO THAT I DIDN'T RIP YOUR THINKPAN RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF YOUR SPINE!! AND YOU WOULDN'T STOP TOUCHING ME SO I HAD TO TEACH YOU A LESSON WHILE STILL BEING QUIET!! YES, JOHN EGBERT, I COMPLETELY AGREE THAT RIGHT AFTER THAT THING WE DON'T TALK ANYMORE BECAUSE IT DIDN'T HAPPEN IS A GREAT TIME TO REVEAL YOUR CALIGINOUS FEELINGS FOR AN INSUFFERABLE COOLKID!! IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE HAS A CONSTANT THAT WILL SOLVE EVERY PROBLEM IN PHYSICS AND MATH, AND THAT UNIVERSAL CONSTANT IS DAVE STRIDER STICKING HIS TONGUE IN EVERYONE I MIGHT POSSIBLY BE INTERESTED IN!! GOG, HOW COULD I BE SO INSENSITIVE AS NOT TO COMPOSE AN EPIC TROLL BATTLE POEM IN CELEBRATION OF YOUR ADVERSARIAL RELATIONSHIP!! I AM SUCH A BAD FUCKING FRIENDLEADER OR WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS YOU DECIDED I AM!! IN FACT, LET ME CORRECT THIS MONSTROUS HORRORTERROR OF AN OVERSIGHT RIGHT NOW!! IT GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS:

PRANKSTER-COOLKID RIVALS/ULTIMATE KISMESSITUDE/ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH FUCK

WAS THAT HEARTFELT ENOUGH FOR YOU?? I MIGHT BE ABLE TO WRITE A BETTER ONE IF I SIT ALONE IN THE DARK LONG ENOUGH!! BECAUSE EVIDENTLY THAT IS WHAT MY LIFE IS DOOMED TO BE! AND I AM GOING TO REGRET SAYING ALL THIS THE SECOND I DO, BUT I DON'T EVEN CARE ANYMORE BECAUSE WHATEVER MALEVOLENT CREATOR IS OUT THERE HAS DECIDED THAT IT HATES ME! AND WANTS TO THWART MY LIFE AT EVERY TURN!! OH WAIT, THAT CREATOR IS ME! SO MUCH ABOUT THE UNIVERSE MAKES SENSE NOW, IT'S ALL BECAUSE I HATE MYSELF!! KANAYA WOULD SAY WE'RE HAVING A MOTHERFUCKING BREAKTHROUGH HERE! I PROBABLY SOMEHOW CAUSED YOU TO WANT TO SWAP HATRED AND BODILY FLUIDS WITH AN OBNOXIOUS FELLOW HUMAN!! IT'S ALL MY FAULT AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

[he may have actually broken you this time.]

[prankster_gambit]

[your brain stutters to a stop and you stare at him for a minute and your heart swells up and you kind of want to hug him again, even if he doesn't really seem to like that kind of thing!]

I don't hate Dave! But his tongue has definitely never been in my mouth either. We're just the bestest of bros!

And gosh, I don't see why you hate yourself, Karkat. I like you a lot!

[pincerattack]

YOU DON'T SEE WHY-- ARRRRRRRRRGH!!

CLEARLY I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO TELL YOU BECAUSE NOTHING SHORT OF THAT IS GOING TO CONVINCE YOU OF WHAT AN ABJECT FAILURE I AM! I HATE MYSELF AND DON'T TRUST ANYBODY BECAUSE I'M A GOGDAMN MUTANT WHO'S ONLY ALIVE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I'M GOOD AT HIDING!! AND IF ANYONE ON ALTERNIA FINDS OUT, I'M GOING TO GET CULLED! UNTIL THE INEVITABLE DAY COMES I'M OLD ENOUGH IT'S OBVIOUS, AND THEN THERE IS NO WAY I'M NOT GOING TO CATCH DEATH!! I AM A FAILURE ON SUCH A DEEP, INTRINSIC LEVEL THAT JUST LIVING IS A CRIME AGAINST ALTERNIA! IS THAT CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU?

[...oh fuck, Tavros is still in this cave, isn't he. fuuuuuck.]

[bythehorns]

[wow, okay, you have been trying not to listen to Karkat because there's yelling for everybody and then there's yelling that's personal, and this was pretty personal yelling, but despite yourself you are processing those words and oh. oh. oh.]

Um...Karkat?

[pincerattack]

[you are breathing pretty hard from all this personal yelling! feelings are very exerting! ...annnnd then Tavros talks and yeah, he definitely heard you! fuck fuck fuck. so you're just going to kind of staaaaare at him in abject horror because you cannot believe this. it is neither a thing, nor is it happenning. you refuse to let it.]

[bythehorns]

[one wrong move here and you are pretty sure he will kill you, and that would be pretty awful because you've been happy here and pretty sure people wouldn't kill you]

I, uh

Um

I'm sorry, for, uh, being here, for that.

[pincerattack]

[as trolls who could have overheard this go, Tavros is actually probably the second-best case scenario you could have here, after Kanaya. Kanaya would be better because you KNOW she can keep her mouth shut. you know full well Tavros isn't going to turn you in himself, but quite frankly you're terrified he'll tell Gamzee something and then your pitiful, sopor-drunk moirail will go on some tangent to the wrong person about what a miracle his moirail is and then bam, culled!]

Don't say a word to Gamzee.

[you hope it looks like you're shaking with rage

even though it's definitely not rage]

[bythehorns]

[you have two terrified modes: silent and babbling. choose wisely.]

Okay, um, that is, I think, not how moirails, are supposed to work, but, I am not, the authority there, since, I have never had one, and, you know more about those things, than I do, so, I can do that, and also, thank you, for not just killing me, right away, as soon as you realized that, I had heard that...

[pincerattack]

[ha ha ha ha like Karkat is capable of killing anyone, but it's a huge self-esteem boost to know that someone out there thinks he is!! awww yeah he IS a badass. ...though he fails at moirallegiance, Tavros, don't use him as an example.]

He just. He doesn't have an off switch. He'll say something to somebody, without meaning to. He can't find out about this. ...besides, if he doesn't know about it they. Might not cull him when they find out about me.

...just keep your mouth shut about it, for fuck's sake. If I find out you told anyone, I am going to break your horns off and shove them through your aruicular sponges.

[bythehorns]

[going to work hard on just thinking about being terrified here, because if you stop being terrified you might have room for other feelings, like pity, and you have a matesprit and he has a moirail, which means that would just be even more awkward on top of an already uncomfortable situation]

I, uh, won't tell anyone, Karkat.

N-not even, just because, you threatened me. I don't, uh, want to make, anything bad, happen to you.

[pincerattack]

[does the fact that his matesprit and your moirail are the same troll make things more or less awkward, anyway?]

...don't you dare fucking pity me, either.

[because, well, Karkat has actually gotten the hang of completely platonic pity down pretty well! that's how he feels about Kanaya and Sollux most of the time! but a lot of trolls don't seem to get it and wow, potential awkwardness!]

[bythehorns]

[oh gog he can read your mind you hate it when they can do that it always ends in doom and pain]

S-sorry, uh, I'll, do my best, not to, feel anything like that, at all, for any reason, and, if it helps, I think, you're actually, pretty scary....

[prankster_gambit]

[you draw back, stunned]

What? Karkat....

What?

[you're getting angry and that's stupid but you can feel the flush over your cheeks and down your neck and your eyes sting, you think you might be tearing up!]

That's stupid! What a horrible law! There's nothing wrong with you! Why would something like that even be a law?! Governments are totally suppose to protect their citizens, n-not cull them for being different! I'm sorry Karkat but I can't be culturally sensitive about this kind of thing at all!

[you realize you're floating and it's getting awful windy in the cave but you don't even care because Karkat.]

[pincerattack]

THEY ARE PROTECTING THEM, IDIOT, THEY'RE MAKING SURE ONLY THE FITTEST TROLLS SURVIVE. NOT CULLING PEOPLE LIKE ME MEANS ALL KINDS OF FUCKING MUTANTS RUNNING AROUND EVENTUALLY, PROBABLY, AND WHO KNOWS WHAT KIND OF PROBLEM THAT WOULD CAUSE.

[at this point you're too tired and self-loathing and scared to even yell, so you're just going to... drop the volume to a voice that's probably a bit scratchy from all the screaming out loud in short succession!]

...or at least, that's supposed to be why they do it. I. I think they probably do it for fun, too.

[prankster_gambit]

But if lots of trolls like you are running around, it's not a mutation, it's just another thing that is different! Trolls should be allowed to be different. I was taught that a government is only as good as how it treats, you know, it's most vulnerable!

[thank you, seventh grade social studies!]

[You watch him for a bit. he looks so sad and angry and you want to cry for him.]

Gosh, Karkat. That's really horrible. I'm sorry.

[pincerattack]

[AHHHHH STOP SAYING THINGS LIKE 'THAT'S HORRIBLE, I'M SORRY' BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAY JOHN IS SAYING THEM THE WAY YOU HEAR THEM AND YOU KNOW THAT. And you had never for a second until now even considered being flushed for him, not over Trollian, because he was a jackass with stupid highblood-blue text who made you so gogdamn angry and hateful that you were so, so sure he was the one. and that was why you got so humiliated over him rejecting you! and why you tried again, even kind of knowing what he'd say again! and now he's here and jegus he's pitiful with his stupid outfit and his weird teeth and the fact he's blatantly pitying you right out loud and. and. your brain cannot handle this right now.]

Would you STOP FUCKING SAYING THINGS LIKE THAT? It doesn't mean what you think it does to trolls, and this is just going to lead to me getting my hopes up and you'll tell me you don't pity me, either, and I'll have another screaming fit at you and we'll be right back here again! Just shut up unless you know what you're saying! IS THAT TOO FUCKING MUCH FOR YOU.

[prankster_gambit]

[you fiddle with your godtier hood, nervously play with the tip of it.]

But. I do pity you Karkat and i know that's really rude so I won't say it again but-

[wait. You vaguely remember what he said about trolls and how they have hate and pity and how pity is basically like love and-

you flush bright red and kind of gawk at him because does that mean that he's started pitying you now, instead of hating you? And you just told him you pity him! Twice!...and you're not sure you want to take it back! You turtle back in your hoodie to hide your face and gosh, you sure are glad it's so big!]

Uhm, okay. I'm sor- I mean. Okay.

[what does this meeaaan?]

[pincerattack]

[AGREED, WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS EVEN MEAN.]

[you pretty much just have your face in your hands at this point, because oh gog your whole face must be bright red and yeah, you seem to have screamed to the entire universe that you're a mutant but there's no need to advertise what color your stupid mutant blood is.]

Just... what part are you even saying okay to?

[you're guessing it's 'okay, I'll shut up,' but, well, he does keep saying really determined things like BUT I DO PITY YOU and oh gog it's like you're in a movie and this is stupid but also pretty much the culmination of every unrealistic flushed-confession scenario you could have possibly wanted from anyone. which is why it can't possibly be true and he's just saying that yes, he will shut up.]

[prankster_gambit]

[you chew on your bottom lip because you don't know and you don't want to be a huge jerk and get his hopes up again but you also aren't sure what you're feeling either and. Gosh. GOSH.]

I don't know what I'm saying okay to!

[well, that's just going to make him mad! Again!]

I mean, uh, I guess I'm not saying I will shut up because, haha, I don't know how to shut up, everyone's always told me I sure do like to babble a lot and...

[oh god. this is really awkward and you slap your hands over your face, in your hood]

Uh, anyways, I will totally think about what I say before I say it and I'm sorry for being so dumb about all this!

[pincerattack]

[yeah, he's just going to-- WAIT, WHAT. SERIOUSLY, WHAT. either he's intentionally skirting the question to avoid the subject, he's pranking you, or he meant to say he will not shut up in the way the question was framed.

OH GOG. OH JEGUS. YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHICH ONE IT IS RIGHT NOW.

...you peek out from between your fingers anyway! because maybe you can tell from his face if he's being sincere or not! except you can't, because he's making the exact same gesture you are under his hood. you aren't up to talking right now, though. nope. not until you've figured out if you're being had or not.]