crankycave | This is definitely not LOWAS

OH THIS IS AWESOME, KARKAT!! YET ANOTHER THING YOU HAVE COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY FAILED AT DOING! THIS LIST JUST KEEPS GETTING LONGER AND LONGER!! SOON IT WILL BE LONG ENOUGH THAT HER IMPERIAL CONDESCE WILL BE ABLE TO USE IT TO FIND HER WAY BACK TO ALTERNIA!

[Jooooohn you are so confusing, what do these words even MEAN. More self-flagellation is the only reponse that seems to make sense!]]

[oh gosh, if you were a different person, you would think Karkat were hopeless! But you're not another person, you're John Egbert and you don't think anyone hopeless, least of all your co-palhoncho!]

[you put your hands on Karkat's shoulders and shaking him very gently!]

I was only joking, jeeez! And before you say something like 'oh look, Karkat has messed up again, rah, rah I'm angry,' don't! You are waaaaay harder on yourself than anyone else and it's really kind of sad!

[you let go of him before he can say the word pale-slut - whatever that means! - and frown. You sure wish Rose were here! She would know what to do!]

[what is with Egbert and all his paletouching? he is enraging mostly because he is CONFUSING! at least you understand it when Gamzee does it because he's (1) your moirail and (2) a high clown, and Terezi sort of making out with you once doesn't even count because she licks everything. Kanaya basically wants to be everyone's ashen quadrant as far as you can tell, and nobody else you know really goes around touching people like that. and it's not like he gets why you're saying the things you are!]

I have to be! Who else is going to if I'm not? If you're a leader, you should get that!

But gosh, Karkat, what good does it do you to beat yourself up over things in the past that you can't even do anything about? I'm pretty sure that doesn't make any sense!

SO I DON'T DO THEM AGAIN! [yyyyyyep, volume is back, but with feelings]

[you have to admit, his logic is pretty airtight!]

Hey! Why don't I just remind you not to do them again?

[8B]

BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT ALWAYS FUCKING AROUND, YOU IDIOT HUMAN. NOT EVERYBODY HAS SOMEBODY THERE TO FUCKING REMIND HIM OF THESE THINGS, SOME OF US ACTUALLY HAD TO LEARN SELF-RELIANCE. YOU KNOW, THAT THING WHERE YOU HAVE TO GET YOUR OWN GOGDAMN CLAWS DIRTY AND BE YOUR OWN MEMO BOARD AND EVEN FUCKING BAN YOURSELF FROM IT WHEN YOU NEED TO. BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE IS THERE TO DO IT.

[feeeeeeelings, they are a thing]

[he sure does have a point there! because after you get out of this cave - and you're pretty sure it's a quest, you just have to find out what it is you're questing for - it'll be back to pesterchat until the game is finished and then what? That train of thought kind of makes you really sad so you quickly stop thinking it. That is not a track you want to go down right now!]

But Karkat that's what friends are for, for you to rely on them! And I might not be around all the time but when I am around, why can't you lean on me a little? I really want to help you, gosh! I know that you think I'm annoying and you're mad about that thing that I don't think we're suppose to talk about anymore but damn it, let me help you!

[....you're pretty sure that didn't hold a candle to Karkat's PASSIONATE SPEECHES but it got your point across, anyway!]

[d-did he just talk back to you? DID HE JUST USE AN EXCLAMATION POINT THAT WASN'T APPENDING A SENTENCE FULL OF CHILDISH HUMAN GLEE? if you had any more romance and any less cranky rage in your heart, you might giggle because you got to him.]

Trolls don't do that! What am I supposed to do, drop everything I know after one face to face conversation with you? SOMEONE NOTIFY GAMZEE, APPARENTLY JOHN HUMAN EGBERT IS DISPENSING FLUFFBEASTS AND MIRACLES AND STARDUST ALL OVER THE PLACE.

[aaugh! you're getting so frustrated! you're pretty tempted to prank him just for being so annoying.]

Okay, well, why don't trolls do that? Because you guys don't trust each other or something like that, right? So are you saying you don't trust me because jeeez, Karkat. That sucks. I like to think I'm a pretty trustworthy guy!

WELL GOGDAMN IT'S NOT LIKE I'VE MAYBE BEEN ON A PLANET FULL OF PEOPLE WHO KILL EACH OTHER FOR FUN AND SHIT FOR MY WHOLE LIFE, OR ANYTHING. OR THAT I HAVE MET APPROXIMATELY FIVE AND A HALF TROLLS I WOULD MOSTLY TRUST NOT TO SHIV ME. MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE A LITTLE MORE CULTURALLY SENSITIVE.

[...oh no! You've been stomping on his culture this whole time! No wonder he's being so cranky with you, good job egbert, why don't you just make fun of his horns while you're at it! Okay, they're pretty nubby and cute and you'll probably tell him that just to annoy him but that's not a culture thing, that's a personal thing! Totally different things!

...you've lost your train of thought.]

Whoa, you are totally right! Gosh, Karkat, I'm really sorry, I've been being very culturally insensitive! Just because we're bros doesn't mean you're automatically going to trust me. I guess we're different about that kind of thing!

[You feel like a huge jerk!]

But maybe in the future you'll trust me a little more okay? I'll stop pestering you. About that, anyway. You can't make the prank master stop pestering about everything, hahaha!

[good good good he latched onto the 'culturally insensitive' part instead of what that culture was because you are so not up to explaining about that just this moment]

...the fuck is even up with you and pranking, anyway? Sounds like the most ruthlessly efficient way to grind anyone's trust with you into a liquid state of matter.

[...you feel you've missed something kind of important.]

Haha, no way! Pranking is pretty sweet! It's just a friendly competition although after that whole apple juice thing, Dave might be planning revenge on me. But that's okay, I look forward to his challenge!

[...HE LOOKS FORWARD TO DAVE STRIDER'S CHALLENGE.

HE WHAT.

...you're going to do the only thing you can to John declaring black feelings for Dave gogdamn Strider after turning you down, which is START HOLDING YOUR FUCKING BREATH. Because if you don't, you're either going to cry or you're never going to stop screaming.]

[what is going on?]

Uh, Karkat, what...?

[YOU WON'T GET HIM TO STOP BEING QUIET UP IN HERE THAT EASILY. BECAUSE WHEN HE TALKS IT'S GOING TO BE FULL OF FEELINGS HE ALREADY DECLARED DO NOT EXIST AND NEVER HAPPENED.]

[maybe he's sick? Karkat's being quiet and that's weird and not normal and-

or maybe it's a prank? you are unsure what to do! you're concerned but wary so you use your judgement and decide to show your concern in a PRANKING MANNER.

you put your hands on his cheeks -they are squishy, d'awww - to check his temperature]

Karkat are you okay?

[YOU CAN'T TALK WHILE HOLDING YOUR BREATH, BUT YOU SURE CAN HEADBUTT JOHN WITH YOUR NUBBY LITTLE HORNS!! IT MIGHT NOT BE VERY EFFECTIVE, AS YOU LACK ANY SHARP EDGES ON THEM, BUT YOUR CHILD-SAFETY HORNS MIGHT STILL GET THE MESSAGE ACROSS.]

[the headbutt didn't really hurt but it sure does surprise you and while his horns are nubby, they're blunt and you're pretty sure you might develop bruises on your forehead!]

Karkat!

[you start to laugh]

You're like a little billy goat!

[OH FUCK IT THAT WAS SO STUPID YOU CAN'T HELP BUT START BREATHING AGAIN OUT OF SHEER HORROR. Also, you're starting to run out of air! After you catch your breath, though, it's time for the feelings beatdown because you can't take this anymore!]

I AM NOT SOME GOGDAMN BLEATBEAST! I WAS BEING FUCKING QUIET SO THAT I DIDN'T RIP YOUR THINKPAN RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF YOUR SPINE!! AND YOU WOULDN'T STOP TOUCHING ME SO I HAD TO TEACH YOU A LESSON WHILE STILL BEING QUIET!! YES, JOHN EGBERT, I COMPLETELY AGREE THAT RIGHT AFTER THAT THING WE DON'T TALK ANYMORE BECAUSE IT DIDN'T HAPPEN IS A GREAT TIME TO REVEAL YOUR CALIGINOUS FEELINGS FOR AN INSUFFERABLE COOLKID!! IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE HAS A CONSTANT THAT WILL SOLVE EVERY PROBLEM IN PHYSICS AND MATH, AND THAT UNIVERSAL CONSTANT IS DAVE STRIDER STICKING HIS TONGUE IN EVERYONE I MIGHT POSSIBLY BE INTERESTED IN!! GOG, HOW COULD I BE SO INSENSITIVE AS NOT TO COMPOSE AN EPIC TROLL BATTLE POEM IN CELEBRATION OF YOUR ADVERSARIAL RELATIONSHIP!! I AM SUCH A BAD FUCKING FRIENDLEADER OR WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS YOU DECIDED I AM!! IN FACT, LET ME CORRECT THIS MONSTROUS HORRORTERROR OF AN OVERSIGHT RIGHT NOW!! IT GOES SOMETHING LIKE THIS:

PRANKSTER-COOLKID RIVALS/ULTIMATE KISMESSITUDE/ARGH ARGH ARGH ARGH FUCK

WAS THAT HEARTFELT ENOUGH FOR YOU?? I MIGHT BE ABLE TO WRITE A BETTER ONE IF I SIT ALONE IN THE DARK LONG ENOUGH!! BECAUSE EVIDENTLY THAT IS WHAT MY LIFE IS DOOMED TO BE! AND I AM GOING TO REGRET SAYING ALL THIS THE SECOND I DO, BUT I DON'T EVEN CARE ANYMORE BECAUSE WHATEVER MALEVOLENT CREATOR IS OUT THERE HAS DECIDED THAT IT HATES ME! AND WANTS TO THWART MY LIFE AT EVERY TURN!! OH WAIT, THAT CREATOR IS ME! SO MUCH ABOUT THE UNIVERSE MAKES SENSE NOW, IT'S ALL BECAUSE I HATE MYSELF!! KANAYA WOULD SAY WE'RE HAVING A MOTHERFUCKING BREAKTHROUGH HERE! I PROBABLY SOMEHOW CAUSED YOU TO WANT TO SWAP HATRED AND BODILY FLUIDS WITH AN OBNOXIOUS FELLOW HUMAN!! IT'S ALL MY FAULT AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

[he may have actually broken you this time.]

[your brain stutters to a stop and you stare at him for a minute and your heart swells up and you kind of want to hug him again, even if he doesn't really seem to like that kind of thing!]

I don't hate Dave! But his tongue has definitely never been in my mouth either. We're just the bestest of bros!

And gosh, I don't see why you hate yourself, Karkat. I like you a lot!

YOU DON'T SEE WHY-- ARRRRRRRRRGH!!

CLEARLY I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO TELL YOU BECAUSE NOTHING SHORT OF THAT IS GOING TO CONVINCE YOU OF WHAT AN ABJECT FAILURE I AM! I HATE MYSELF AND DON'T TRUST ANYBODY BECAUSE I'M A GOGDAMN MUTANT WHO'S ONLY ALIVE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I'M GOOD AT HIDING!! AND IF ANYONE ON ALTERNIA FINDS OUT, I'M GOING TO GET CULLED! UNTIL THE INEVITABLE DAY COMES I'M OLD ENOUGH IT'S OBVIOUS, AND THEN THERE IS NO WAY I'M NOT GOING TO CATCH DEATH!! I AM A FAILURE ON SUCH A DEEP, INTRINSIC LEVEL THAT JUST LIVING IS A CRIME AGAINST ALTERNIA! IS THAT CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU?

[...oh fuck, Tavros is still in this cave, isn't he. fuuuuuck.]

[wow, okay, you have been trying not to listen to Karkat because there's yelling for everybody and then there's yelling that's personal, and this was pretty personal yelling, but despite yourself you are processing those words and oh. oh. oh.]

Um...Karkat?

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