crankycave | [BE THE AIMLESS DOUCHEBAG.]

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[BE THE AIMLESS DOUCHEBAG.]

[You've been wandering for awhile! The Plains of Spite are indeed full of spite, in that you keep tripping in holes in the ground and almost landing right on your face. It's a good place to wander around, though, and to practice with your sickles a little. ...possibly also to yell at the sky because you hate everything, but then the big animal somebody said is called an alot of crankiness had made a weird noise right back in your face and gone back to chewing on grass.

Anybody out on the plains probably sees you standing there! Your sickles are not captchalogued because that alot looks really sketchy and you might need them on short notice, but you're not actively practicing right now.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

UNFORTUNATELY, MY THROAT IS JUST GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT SO MANY FUCKING THINGS IN THIS UNIVERSE NEED CASTIGATING.

....You could just light them on fire instead. Or electrocute them. Or freeze them.

BECAUSE I TOTALLY CARRY A FLAME-THROWING DEVICE, A PERSONAL ELECTRICITY-GENERATING DEFENSE APPARATUS, AND A FUCKING THERMAL HULL WITH ME EVERYWHERE I GO!

[She raises an eyebrow politely, and cups a flame in the palm of her hand. Yes, it is showing off, but if he's going to call her a witch she's going to act like one.]

Or you could ask for assistance. Or are you one of those people that feels that your genitalia aren't adequately represented unless you do everything by yourself? [She looks pointedly at his horns.]

[w-what the fuck WE DON'T NEED ANY SHITTY HIPSTER MAGIC HERE.]

OH NO NO NO, NO MORE SHITTY FUCKING WIZARDS! I MUST HAVE MADE A FUCKING MEMO ABOUT THAT. SOMEWHERE. SOMETIME. PAST ME IS AN EVEN BIGGER IDIOT THAN I THOUGHT IF I DIDN'T.

[you sort of follow her gaze, until you realize oh no she didn't]

WHAT KIND OF SHITTY FUCKING SPECIES EQUATES HORN SIZE WITH BULGE SIZE, THAT'S ONE OF THE STUPIDEST THINGS I'VE EVER HEARD. AND I KNOW SO MANY STUPID PEOPLE THE VERY THOUGHT OF COUNTING MAKES MY BRAIN WANT TO RUN AND HIDE. [still ouch, cheap shot bringing in the nubbins.]

I am not a shitty fucking wizard. I have neither intention of fucking you, nor bad magic skills. I am actually quite good at this; I was designed for it.

[It's kind of a relief to find someone here she doesn't feel bad about being an ice queen at. Everybody's so nice. Which is great, but also confusing. She was starting to think she fell into reverse world.]

Oh, everybody finds something to equate with dick size. Humans say it has something to do with the size of one's hands or feet.

[slow, sharp smile]

You do realize that your enthusiastic shouting about the matter really only proves my point, right?

ALL WIZARDS ARE INHERENTLY AWFUL, IT'S A FACT OF LIFE. I'M SHOCKED YOU AREN'T PRANCING AROUND IN A SCARF AND CAPE LIKE THE PRINCE OF GODDAMN HOPE, CONSIDERING I'M PRETTY SURE HE'S THE ONLY WIZARD WHO EXISTS IN MY UNIVERSE. IT WAS A REFLECTION ON YOUR STATE OF BEING IN THE UNIVERSE, NOT YOUR CONCUPISCENT HABITS OR YOUR SKILLS.

[twitch]

I HATE TO BE THE ONE TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT WE DON'T HAVE THE SAME DISGUSTING GENITALIA THAT HUMANS DO.

[She keeps a straight face, barely, as she shrugs her cape back, and reminds herself that casting ice spells on him would be rude]

Well, I would assume there were at least a few species-based differences.

I am frankly impressed your head does not actually explode from all this rage.

[Don't cast spells just to see what happens. Do not. You are a disciplined soldier.]

[stupid cape, it's unassailable proof of her witchery. ...and her douchebaggery. because seriously, who the fuck wears a cape?]

HEY, SOMETHING WE FINALLY AGREE ON! BECAUSE EVERY DAY I WAKE UP AND MY THINKPAN HAS NOT EXPLODED INTO TINY FUCKING PIECES FROM THE EVER-PRESENT HEADACHE I HAVE FROM HERDING IDIOTS WHILE THE UNIVERSE PLOTS AGAINST ME IS THE BIGGEST FUCKING SURPRISE TO ME!

[Awesome people wear capes, that's who. ....well, also Kefka, but he's the exception that proves the rule.]

I guess an ever-present headache would in fact make someone pretty cranky. You want help with that?

[bluh bluh capes are stupid]

IF BY HELP YOU MEAN ACTUALLY GET THE WAITING OVER WITH AND BLOW MY HEAD UP? NO THANKS, I'VE GOT ABOUT FIVE PEOPLE WAITING IN LINE TO DO THAT.

Actually, I meant cure the headache, but if you're going to be unreasonable and assume malice, then that's your business.

[...ALL THE SIDE-EYEING. ALL OF IT.]

...you say that like there's any other way of getting rid of it.

My magic isn't all harmful. I have healing spells as well. I would be willing to try and see if they'd help.

[Well. He's not screaming presently. Her ears are ringing less. Note to self: confusion is also an effective tactic.]

[okay, now she's just lying to you.]

Ha, that's so funny. I cannot believe how funny that is, that you're making up something like that.

I can cast it on myself to demonstrate, or on you if you're not too scared, or I suppose that massive beast over there will suffice as well.

[argh you already know how this is going to end, because it is just like the thing with the bucket candy that ended in you being horrible! but it's so inevitable, it is like the force of gravity holding the moons to Alternia: you are going to agree to this just to spite the hell out of her.]

Fine, I can handle anything your stupid magic is going to do to me.

[She murmurs syllables that blur and blend together in a soothing rill, and green light sparkles over her head. The cure spell washes over Karkat in a river of glittering green. Assuming he is not in fact undead, it should heal minor wounds.]

[you are not, in fact, undead! even if you are out in the sunlight right now like one. the bizarre part is, you are no longer in possession of a headache, either!

yeah, you're just... staring at her. because what the hell is this even.]

[Okay she is not used to her magic provoking this particular response. ....she did cast Cure and not Mute, right? No, she definitely cast Cure. Unless he has some strange biology that is unlike any she's ever encountered.

Well, nothing to do but brazen it out.]

I expected it to work, but I didn't expect it to work that well. [smirk]

You don't get it, we don't have anything like this on Alternia. I actually literally thought you were going to light my thinkpan on fire, or something.

[staaaaaaaaare]

...Look, I'm kind of a jackass sometimes and I acknowledge that, it's what I get for being raised by the military. But I generally don't like people on fire unless they are already trying to kill me.

[stares back]

I don't think you're understanding me. What you just did is something that we don't do. You sounded like you were making a joke about decapitating me, or something.

You are very strange. And so is your culture. Actually it's kind of fucked up, because any culture that would trample on somebody like Tavros is severely asinine, but that's neither here nor there.

As shouty and obnoxious as you are, I wouldn't actually hurt you. But I'm impressed you were going to stand there for it anyway.

No fucking arguments from me there.

[fuck yeah, you are brave, aren't you? you preen a little, because who the fuck cares that you have nubby horns and way too many feelings when you're the bravest motherfucker around?]

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