OMG VD!

[cavedwellers]

[Gosh you guys, there must be a holiday on! One of the bigger, more well-lit caves has been decked out for a PARTY, with heart-shaped BALLOONS and also red and white STREAMERS decking the stalactites and shit. There are BUCKETS filled with LITTLE CANDY HEARTS, and there is a FOUNTAIN featuring a rosy-cheeked CUPID who is PEEING PINK LEMONADE into a basin. Also ther are CUPS in case you couldn't tell the LEMONADE was for DRINKING.

Also, everything is HEAVILY SPIKED WITH APHRODISIACS. Eating or drinking the party favors will make you want to MAKE OUT with anyone who gets IN STRIKING DISTANCE. Have fun with that!]

Comments

[lifestudies]

Is it really? I've heard it's supposed to be artistic to depict them tastefully.

[pincerattack]

YES, BECAUSE PUTTING THEM OUT WITH HEART SYMBOLS IN THEM IS TOTALLY FUCKING TASTEFUL.

[lifestudies]

Mmm, I am only going on what I've heard. What would be better?

[pincerattack]

I don't know, PUTTING THEM IN THE CLOSET UNTIL IT'S TIME TO USE THEM?

[you are so embarassed at this point. why do these things keep happening to you?]

[lifestudies]

[people in general are pretty confusing, but this little shouty grey one is worse than most.]

Time to...use them?

[picking up some candy hearts from the nearest bucket, squinting at the writing on them]

[pincerattack]

Oh, no, I am not giving an interspecies biology lesson. Is this how you humans get off? Asking other species to explain their romantic and sexual practices in detail? BECAUSE THAT'S PRETTY SICK, AND NOT SICK IN THE IRONIC WAY THAT SOME PEOPLE USE TO MEAN AWESOME.

[you would go on about his depraved human sexual proclivities, but then he reaches into the bucket and all you can do is make a squeaky horrified sort of noise.]

[lifestudies]

As far as I can tell, there is a wide variety of things that get humans off! But mostly people yell at me if I talk about that. Somewhat like you're doing now!

[sniffing the candy. licking one of them experimentally. prrrrrobably not poison! pops one. crunches it.]

Would you like one? I think they're not poisonous.

[pincerattack]

[WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING WHY IS HE EATING SOMETHING OUT OF A BUCKET SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK, YOUR FACE PROBABLY LOOKS LIKE IT'S ON FIRE BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT ENTIRELY SURE IT ISN'T]

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? NO, SERIOUSLY, THAT IS NOT A RHETORICAL QUESTION. I AM HONESTLY CONFUSED AS TO THE MENTAL DEGENERACY THAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT'S ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR!

[the worst part is that of course you think racy behavior like that is tempting, albeit embarassing! it would be totally badass in a sexy way to stroll right up to that bucket, take out some candy, and eat it like it isn't anything, and everywhere trolls would be swooning and saying how incredibly attractive you were! ...you are also a teenaged nubby-horned little hermit crab of a troll, so that plan? that's not a realistic plan.]

[lifestudies]

I apologize! I was not expected to need social graces until my most recent mission, so I am only now beginning to study them. Could you explain what I have done wrong?

[pincerattack]

OKAY, THEN, SINCE YOU AND EVERYONE ELSE IS SO DETERMINED TO KNOW

TROLLS USE BUCKETS TO COLLECT GENETIC MATERIAL TO CARRY TO THE MOTHER GRUB

I MEANT THAT IT'S LITERALLY PORNOGRAPHIC.

You can perhaps see why eating candy out of that is not appropriate in any universe ever.

[lifestudies]

I see.

[this is a lie. this is such a lie.]

...You will not want to share these with me, then.

[pincerattack]

I THINK IT SAFE TO SAY THAT THIS PARTICULAR SHIP HAS ALREADY BLASTED OFF INTO ANOTHER SECTOR OF SPACE, IN THAT ONE OF YOU HAS ALREADY CONNED ME INTO EATING SOME.

[you actually don't feel quite as full of volcanic supernova rage at the moment, which is weird! you'd blame the candy, except that would be stupid.]

[lifestudies]

Does it feel excitingly transgressive? One of my senpai once told me that was why he reads pornography in public.

[we ought to have hella personal space bubbles here, but they're eroding a bit, I think]

[pincerattack]

Maybe. Kind of.

[yeah, especially since more of that candy actually does sound tempting now that one piece hasn't made you die or catch on fire or get culled on the spot! taking candy from someone who's already taken it from the bucket seems like a better plan, though, because actually reaching into that bucket is radical territory you are not ready to head into. ...you've been around enough trolls ready to flip their shit at a moment's notice to recognize someone who you shouldn't just reach for with no warning, though! so you're wary about trying to take some candy.]

[lifestudies]

Here. Do you want some more?

[I have had like a handful of this stuff already and that means it sounds like a great idea to hold up a candy heart and reach out—slowly, at least—like I'm going to just feed you a piece if you'll let me]

[pincerattack]

[what the hell is that human doing? what does he think he is, pale flirting? oh hell no, both your pale and your red quadrants are taken. er, sort of. so you reach out and take some of the handful of candy and ignore the piece he's holding out!]

...thanks. I guess.

[lifestudies]

[don't mind me I'm just. watching your mouth.]

My pleasure.

[pincerattack]

[can't really blame him for that one, seeing as you do have all those nice pointy troll teeth! ...which doesn't explain why you find his pretty interesting, too.]

Um. [you are so awkward and fidgety about this. eat your candy, you awkward crab.]

[lifestudies]

[licking lips, and just. watching. how is this so fascinating, kyaaa]

I would wonder if you are using a genjutsu of some kind, but I doubt you are capable of it.

So I have no excuse for wanting to kiss you on the mouth.

[pincerattack]

[you aren't even going to yell at this human, because it's actually kind of nice to have some actual caliginous flirting instead of people making weird advances at you at inappropriate times!]

I have no idea what the fuck a genjutsu is.

[it is actually totally new and flattering and it would be scary if you weren't feeling decidedly okay with everything right now and especially with this absolutely awesome new idea of kissing on the mouth. you are definitely up in his personal space.]

You are actually the weirdest human I've ever come across.

[oh fuck this awkward you are actually going to kiss him, and sort of try to mind the teeth but not too much because this is caliginous.]

[lifestudies]

Well, you are a strange little monster yoursmmmph, nnnn--!

[kissing! So this is what kissing is like. It's pointier than advertised. but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It only takes a brief false start to get an angle that more or less works, and then there's heat and sloppy wetness and the scrape of sharp teeth.]

[pincerattack]

[it's opposite day up in here, because this is less pointy than the sum total of kissing you have done in the past! and also involves less someone trying to lick your eyeballs because they 'look delicious, Karkles.' ...also less calling you of stupid names like that, come to think of it! well, until John shows up, because you seem to vaguely recall that humans are fucking weird about quadrants and he'll probably get upset that you're hate-making out with somebody. funny how you find it hard to care about that right now, though, or really anything except awww yeah kissin'. ...how the hell much of that candy did you just eat?]

[lifestudies]

[escalating kiss violence when partner has more appropriate weaponry at hand: bad idea. fucks given: none. biting Karkat's lip: go, with bonus throaty noise that was probably an accident but does, in fact, seem to sum up this situation nicely.]

[pincerattack]

[escalating: probably a stupid idea when you're capable of ripping a chunk right out of the other guy's face and he's not a troll so he can't do the same! which is actually a coherent enough thought that you can pull away for a second and assess the situation.]

The fuck did you put in that stupid bucket candy, human?

[he's still pretty distracting. why are you conversing instead of kissing, again? you can't really remember why that was a good idea.]

[lifestudies]

Put in it? Nothing. If I were going to poison you, it wouldn't do this. And certainly not to me as well. That would be amateurish.

[Kiss angry little monster again as a distraction from new mission Hands Up His Shirt Now.]