OMG VD!

[cavedwellers]

[Gosh you guys, there must be a holiday on! One of the bigger, more well-lit caves has been decked out for a PARTY, with heart-shaped BALLOONS and also red and white STREAMERS decking the stalactites and shit. There are BUCKETS filled with LITTLE CANDY HEARTS, and there is a FOUNTAIN featuring a rosy-cheeked CUPID who is PEEING PINK LEMONADE into a basin. Also ther are CUPS in case you couldn't tell the LEMONADE was for DRINKING.

Also, everything is HEAVILY SPIKED WITH APHRODISIACS. Eating or drinking the party favors will make you want to MAKE OUT with anyone who gets IN STRIKING DISTANCE. Have fun with that!]

Comments

[lifestudies]

Bone bulge? There can't possibly be any bones in that thing with the way it moves!

[pincerattack]

IT'S A FIGURE OF FUCKING SPEECH, YOU MENTALLY INCAPACITATED SHITWEASEL.

AND BETTER THAT THAN WHAT YOU'VE GOT! WHAT GOOD DOES THAT EVEN DO IF IT JUST SORT OF SITS THERE?

[lifestudies]

[--shit actually is that a reasonable objection? no. almost definitely not. probably not. most likely.]

[this is not really the voice of authority and experience here]

Does it need to squirm around like that for you to put it in someone?

[pincerattack]

[wow, it sure is all about you, isn't it?]

BECAUSE VERILY, YOU HAVE DISCOVERED THE ALPHA AND OMEGA OF SEXUAL ACTS. CLEARLY, NO ONE COULD EVER WANT TO PARTAKE OF ANOTHER CONCUPISCENT ACTIVITY. ALSO, EVEN IF WHAT I SAID WAS NOT SO SARCASTIC I MIGHT JUST MUTATE INTO A COOLKID ASSHOLE RIGHT HERE ON THE SPOT THAT WOULD HAVE TO BE PRETTY FUCKING BORING TO THE OTHER PERSON.

[wow, suddenly you're not sure if this is caliginous or this guy is just that much of an asshole!]

[lifestudies]

...Now you've completely stopped making sense. Kissing you was much better than listening to this.

[attempts to go back to that then]

[pincerattack]

I AM MAKING A LUDICROUS AMOUNT OF SENMMMMPH.

[you bite at him-- not too hard, just to tell him that fuck you, I'm just kissing you out of spite now. you are also touching him with your apparently horrifying bulge now; the smaller fronds have started to curl around him of their own accord, seeking out touch reflexively.]

[lifestudies]

[oh yes that's much better. no shouting, just biteykissing. and--]

mmnnn~

[--is the sound of some very mis-matched parts coming together, and that curling and squeezing thing is actually really pleasant, despite how odd it looks. yes. so much better than yelling.]

[pincerattack]

[and you're proven exactly right because what the hell is his stupid bulge penis whatever thing doing except sitting there? you're doing all the work. and it feels nice where you're wrapped around him yes, but that's not enough. so you take one hand and wrap it around your primary bulge, because fuck, you would be the sad sack of a troll that has to jerk himself off with someone else.]

[lifestudies]

[wait, what is he doing now? reaching down to investigate by touch. and maybe to touch some of his squirmy parts and see what happens.]

[pincerattack]

[oh good, he's finally getting the idea. you drop your own hand and your primary bulge is all too happy to wrap around someone else's exceedingly friendly hand. you definitely make a muffled noise against his mouth when that happens.]

[lifestudies]

[well it might not look like a penis and he might call it something funny, but it seems to like being touched the same as a normal one. and getting back to the part where he makes little hungry noises is good! thrusting into his squirmy parts and trying to stroke the thicker part like he was just doing]

[pincerattack]

[since you don't need your hands for this part, you need to find something else to do! you sure hope more claws are all right, so long as they aren't applied to overly sensitive parts of the anatomy. you aren't trying to kill him! ...meanwhile, the smaller fronds are starting to poke a little bit further back, because hey, instinct. the weird part is that they're not finding what you're expecting.]

[lifestudies]

[more claws are definitely all right. they're provoking a lot of squirming, but it's not squirming away. the little tentacle things are maybe a little more unsettling.]

That, mmnf, tickles, what -- what are you doing?

[pincerattack]

[mmmph, stop kissing long enough to talk.]

How many body parts are you humans missing?

[lifestudies]

Missing?

[okay sitting up now, trying to get a good look]

What exactly do you have down there?

[pincerattack]

Fuck you, I'm a perfectly normal troll. You're the one who only has half the equipment. How does that even work?

[oh gog he was talking earlier about penetration and HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK THEN, just thinking about it is sort of terrifying. maybe human sex is really, really alien weird and you've never known. oh, fuck.]

[lifestudies]

Half the equipment?

[just. staring.]

You mean you have tentacles for a penis and you also have a vagina?

[...pause.]

Show me.

[pincerattack]

Of course I don't have that weird human thing the recuperacoon looks like, are you stupid? That's kind of what I was expecting you would have! Silly me, assuming humans would have some kind of logic down there! How the hell do you even-- where do you-- no, never mind, it will probably terrify me.

[also okay wow now you're blushing so hard it's definitely showing red because wow did he seriously just tell you to show him. but fuck, you're pulling your bulge back so you can spread your thighs apart almost before you know what you're doing, because that was pretty hot.]

[lifestudies]

[omg what kind of freakish weirdo are you]

I don't have a vagina because I'm male. How do you seriously not know these things?

[and then he's spreading his legs and arguing is less important, because that's fascinating. and also very little like any of the illustrations in Kakashi-senpai's books.

but it looks soft and wet and touchable. reaching out to try that.]

[pincerattack]

[well, what kind of freakish weirdo are you?]

...since when does gender have anything to do with that? No wonder you humans are all so fucked up.

[and then oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck that makes your toes curl and why the hell does that noise have to sound so much like pleading?]

[lifestudies]

[would keep arguing, except that those noises are a lot more interesting. is this a part that can be penetrated? yes, it definitely feels like it is, and inside it's so warm.]

What does it feel like?

[pincerattack]

[this is definitely not something you're used to; it's not even something you generally do to yourself. and right now you have no idea why, because ffffffuck.]

I don't think-- ah-- your primitive human thinkpan could comprehend it.

[time to yank the primitive human in and bite him some more!]

[lifestudies]

[good plan! the talking part is just obnoxious. but being pulled in like this, on the other hand, reads like an encouragement to push in deeper. and also probably grind up against that tentacle mess, because yeah, missing the friction already.]

[pincerattack]

[and now those claws are raking down his back and you're pretty sure you just bit through your own lip instead of his-- all the not-actually-jokes about being your own kismesis and making out with yourself notwithstanding, it actually is an accident, and not one you're inclined to care about just now. you're still not entirely sure how humans work in this regard, but if he keeps going like this you're going to need--]

We need a bucket, you stupid fuck.

[lifestudies]

[NOT getting up, because his tentacles are doing this squirming-and-gripping thing, this feels good and it needs to continue]

Why would you want to, ah, go looking for something stupid like that when -- nnh! -- it's getting this good?