[BE THE AIMLESS DOUCHEBAG.]

[pincerattack]

[You've been wandering for awhile! The Plains of Spite are indeed full of spite, in that you keep tripping in holes in the ground and almost landing right on your face. It's a good place to wander around, though, and to practice with your sickles a little. ...possibly also to yell at the sky because you hate everything, but then the big animal somebody said is called an alot of crankiness had made a weird noise right back in your face and gone back to chewing on grass.

Anybody out on the plains probably sees you standing there! Your sickles are not captchalogued because that alot looks really sketchy and you might need them on short notice, but you're not actively practicing right now.]

Comments

[pincerattack]

RESIST AGAINST WHAT. THE UNIVERSE? YEAH, TELL ME HOW THAT WORKS OUT FOR YOU.

[onlyhonournow]

[picking Karkat up again, smirking]

Pretty damn good, so far.

[pincerattack]

HOW THE FUCK IS SWINGING ME AROUND LIKE THE TARGET IN A WRIGGLER'S PARTY GAME STICKING IT TO THE UNIVERSE?

[onlyhonournow]

Worth a try.

[pincerattack]

I UNDERSTAND YOUR CONFUSION REGARDING ME BEING THE ARBITER OF THE UNIVERSE, OR AT LEAST ITS ANTHROPOMORPHIC PERSONIFICATION, BUT I REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT IT'S JUST THAT: CONFUSION. YOU ARE NOT ACCOMPLISHING A FUCKDAMN THING EXCEPT MAKING ME WANT TO SCRATCH YOUR STUPID PAINT JOB.

[onlyhonournow]

... Would it make you feel better?

[pincerattack]

WHY WOULD THAT MAKE ME FEEL BETTER

THAT'S JUST GOING TO END WITH TAVROS GETTING UPSET, WHICH WILL MAKE GAMZEE UPSET, AND THEN HE'LL GIVE ME SOME KIND OF BRO LECTURE ON CHILLING OUT!!

THE NET RESULT: I WILL FEEL WORSE!

[onlyhonournow]

... What would make you feel better?

[pincerattack]

[...huh, you actually have to think about this one. it doesn't exactly come up often.]

NOT BEING SO GODDAMN HIGH UP IN THE AIR. NOT HAVING PEOPLE UPSETTING MY FRIENDS. FOR MY LIFE NOT TO BE SO AWKWARD, FOR THE UNIVERSE NOT TO HAVE IT IN FOR ME, FOR PAST ME NOT TO BE THE ONLY BEING STUPIDER AND MORE ANNOYING THAN FUTURE ME, IF I WAS COOLER, IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO LEAD AROUND A BUNCH OF SIX AND A HALF SWEEPS GOING ON TWO SWEEPS WRIGGLERS WHO CAN'T GO ONE DAY WITHOUT TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER OR LEAVING A GIANT MESS IN SOME COMMUNAL AREA FOR PEOPLE TO TRIP OVER AND BY PEOPLE I MEAN ME, AND DID I MENTION NOT BEING REALLY HIGH UP RIGHT NOW?

THAT'S A GOOD STARTER LIST, BUT WE CAN KEEP THIS GOING ALL DAY.

WHATEVER NEFARIOUS PURPOSE YOU WANTED THAT LIST FOR DOESN'T REALLY MATTER, SINCE THE UNIVERSE HAS ALREADY ENACTED EVERY ITEM ON IT UPON MY POOR, BLEEDING SOUL.

[onlyhonournow]

[setting Karkat back down again, and settling on the ground cross-legged and smiling up at him]

... How's that?

[pincerattack]

IT IS A MINISCULE SHIFT TOWARDS SOMETHING RESEMBLING THE RIGHT DIRECTION.

[onlyhonournow]

There's nothing you can do about the past.

[pincerattack]

SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, I'VE HAD SOME INCREDIBLY CATHARTIC TIMES CASTIGATING MY PAST SELF. SOME OF US ARE CAPABLE OF FUCKING UP IN ALL REGIONS OF THE TIMELINE, WITH THE RIGHT COMPUTER PROGRAMS.

[onlyhonournow]

... Does that really make you feel better?

[pincerattack]

WELL, I'M VERBALLY EVISCERATING THE PERSON I HATE MOST IN THE WORLD, SO YEAH, I WOULD SAY SO.

[onlyhonournow]

Does it really change anything?

[pincerattack]

OPINIONS ARE SPLIT ON THAT ONE.

MY PAST SELF NEEDS TO BE BERATED, REGARDLESS. JUST WATCH, IN HALF AN HOUR I'LL BE SLAPPING MYSELF IN THE FACE FOR HAVING THIS CONVERSATION.

[onlyhonournow]

If you start feeling that way then, why don't you come back and yell at me instead?

[pincerattack]

WHAT THE FUCK

DO YOU JUST GO AROUND PROPOSITIONING EVERY UNDERAGE TROLL YOU MEET

ARE YOU GOING TO START AUSPISTICIZING FOR ME AND THEN FRIENDZONE ME? IS THAT YOUR NEFARIOUS PLAN?

[YOU HAVE ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING RIGHTEOUS ANGER NOW. ALL OF IT!!!!!!]

[onlyhonournow]

...

... I beg your pardon?

[pincerattack]

LISTEN UP, YOU SENTIENT CIRCUIT BOARD, BECAUSE I AM ONLY EXPLAINING THE FUCKING MAGIC OF ROMANCE AS PRACTICED ON ALTERNIA ONCE.

THERE ARE FOUR QUADRANTS, INSTEAD OF JUST ONE KIND LIKE HUMANS HAVE. HUMAN ROMANCE IS STUPID, FORGET IT EXISTS. YOU'LL BE HAPPIER, IF ROBOTS CAN EVEN BE HAPPY. I DON'T KNOW, THE ONLY OTHER ONE I MET WAS REALLY FUCKING DEPRESSED UNTIL SHE RIPPED OUT HER HEART AND STARTED CONSENSUALLY BEATING THE SWEATY ASSHOLE. YOU KNOW WHAT, FORGET ABOUT THAT TOO, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

YOU PROBABLY ONLY WANT TO WORRY ABOUT THE TWO CONCILIATORY QUADRANTS, BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE TWO THAT DON'T INVOLVE REPRODUCTION. UNLESS YOU HAVE SOME AFTERMARKET PARTS I DO NOT EVER WANT TO HEAR A SINGLE WORD ABOUT, PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME THAT YOU HAVE THEM. THOSE ARE THE PALE QUADRANT, MOIRALLEGIANCE, AND THE ASHEN QUADRANT, AUSPISTICE. A MOIRALLEGIANCE-- WHICH IS WHAT TAVROS THOUGHT YOU WERE ANGLING FOR, YOU MASSIVE ASSHOLE-- IS BASICALLY WHERE YOU TAKE CARE OF EACH OTHER, KEEP EACH OTHER FROM FLIPPING OUT, THAT KIND OF THING. YOU GO TO YOUR MOIRAIL WHEN YOU NEED TO CRY ABOUT STUPID FEELINGS AND THEY USUALLY DON'T TELL YOU HOW STUPID YOU ARE. OR IF THEY DO, IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. GAMZEE AND I ARE MOIRAILS, FOR AN ACTUAL EXAMPLE.

WHAT YOU JUST FUCKING PROPOSITIONED ME FOR IS AUSPISTICE. THAT'S NORMALLY GOT THREE PEOPLE, BUT IN THIS CASE I COUNT AS TWO BECAUSE YOU'RE ARBITRATING BETWEEN TWO OF ME, THE CURRENT ME AND THE PAST ME I'M RAGING ON. ONE PERSON MAKES SURE THE OTHER TWO DON'T KILL EACH OTHER OR FLIP INTO A KISMESSITUDE, WHICH IS ONE OF THE REPRODUCTIVE QUADRANTS AND THUS ONE I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT WITH YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT A CONCUPISCENT BEING. AND AGAIN, IF YOU ARE, DO NOT FUCKING TELL ME!

SO YOU BASICALLY JUST SAID KARKAT, I WANT TO BE YOUR BOYFRIEND. WHICH IS REALLY BIZARRE BECAUSE THIS IS LIKE, THE FIRST OR SECOND TIME WE HAVE EVER SPOKEN, YOU CREEPER. IT'S ALSO BASICALLY WHAT YOU SAID TO TAVROS, IN A DIFFERENT CONTEXT, AND THEN TOOK BACK!

[onlyhonournow]

Oh.

I.

Apologise?

[pincerattack]

AS YOU SHOULD, YOU CULTURALLY INSENSITIVE BAG OF BULGES.

[onlyhonournow]

[good thing he was sitting, because that was a lot of information to process.]

S...sorry. That... wasn't my intention.

[pincerattack]

COULD HAVE FOOLED ME, WHAT WITH ALL YOUR BLATANT HITTING ON EVERYONE.

THEN AGAIN, I GUESS NOT EVERYONE CAN BE AN EXPERT ON ANALYZING ROMANCE.