Queen Elizabeth Wrestles a Whale, the Animated Series

[e_regina]

[It's the Nasty Forest! It's dark and grotty here and there's bears and foxes and whales and such. It's a lovely day and there's squirrels fistfighting with birds and everything and there is also Queen Elizabeth, the first one, who is standing next to a picnic basket. She looks cross. Her ruff? ENORMOUS. It's so majestic that it pokes up above the treetops a little bit.]

MY BELOVED PEOPLE

That doesn't do anything, which makes her angry. That usually does something, when she says that.

OI

Still nothin'.

I'M NOT HAVING A BLOODY PICNIC BY MYSELF

Oh for fuck's sake. She huffs down in the middle of her skirt, which could harbor two cars and a cow, and gets stuck into one of the teacakes. There's brandy too, she'll probably start on that later.

Comments

[lifestudies]

[derp derp, it is a good day to be out painting waterfalls and wrestling bears, or vice versa, sometimes you have to switch things up, and it is also a day when you can't help noticing when somebody bellows at the forest nearby]

Ah--does that usually make picnics better? Bloodying them?

[e_regina]

Holy crap think fast, there's a teacake and it's headed straight toward you! She has an arm like a hall of fame pitcher, that Queen Elizabeth I.

RIGHT THEN

YOU DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED DO YOU

[lifestudies]

[ninja reflexes go!!! ...most of the things that people throw at me do not explode into showers of crumbs and icing when deflected. this is different.]

No. Not at all. Are you hiding from your suitors?

[e_regina]

BLOODY RIGHT I AM

Damn, this one's sharp. She'll have to keep an eye on him, maybe appoint him as a minister or like knight him or something. So the Spaniards don't get him. Can't be having that.

She wings another pastry. The kid's got some moves and she's kinda already doodling out the letter of marque in her head.

[lifestudies]

[Sweet catch! Of course now there is jam on my gloves but I am sure I have faced worse things.

Examines pastry thoughtfully]

Interesting choice of weapon. Are they poisoned? Explosive?

[e_regina]

IT'S A SCONE

She gestures regally to a spot of bare ground near her.

I'M THE QUEEN

COME LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR FUTURE WITH THE BRITISH EMPIRE

[lifestudies]

[I sure have been well conditioned to respond to people being authoritative at me! And perhaps if you are the queen around here you will know what's going on. Kneeling where indicated.]

I have a future with the British Empire?

[e_regina]

OO I QUITE LIKE THAT

She does quite like that, the kneeling thing. This is her beloved people, right here. Beloved person. Whatever, he's a good start. Look at that earnest face. Look at that belly shirt <3

HOW ARE YOU WITH BOATS

[lifestudies]

I've not been on boats lots of times!

[And hey, you and your cleavage remind me of the Hokage more than you remind me of my real boss, so perhaps you will also excuse my impertinence!]

Do you know who I would talk to about finding something I've lost?

[e_regina]

THE DWARVES I THINK

She'd seen some of the weird critters zooming around carrying all kinds of bizarre stuff. They had the look of people who got into things, and she was half-convinced that she'd seen a few carrying around a a giant poonie.

I NEED A SWORD ANYWAY, WHAT DID YOU LOSE?

[lifestudies]

[Dwarves, right. Filing that way for future reference. But more importantly, curious now!]

You use a sword? I would not have thought you capable of wielding one in robes like that.

[e_regina]

PISS IT, she replies daintily. I'M THE QUEEN

And queens all have magic powers of dressing and swording, right? Right.

SO LET'S GET A SWORD AND YOUR THING AND THEN WE'LL KNIGHT YOU

BOLLOCKS TO PICKNICKING WE'LL NEED A PARTY

[lifestudies]

[parties are occasions for smiling, yes? that sounds right. definitely sounds right. smiling, then. it's a good chance to practice.]

If all you need is a sword, I do have one.

[glorious]

Is that meant as an invitation?

[e_regina]

The ruff rotates, satellite-dish style, to focus on the new guy.

SIT DOWN ALREADY, she says. And also, by way of conversation, HELLO I'M THE QUEEN.

A squirrel cavorting on top of the ruff like a ferris wheel sees one of its natural enemies, a sparrow, and launches itself off the crest with a shriek. They collide in midair, tumble to the ground nearby, and pull out switchblades to face off.

GOT SOME PRETZELS HERE, says the queen, rummaging through the basket.

[glorious]

[That answers his question. Van will be moving to have a seat, and some pretzels, as he watches the two woodland creatures have a most honorable dual.]

The Queen of this land, I presume?

[e_regina]

The queen digs that notion, clearly.

NOT YET

YOU'RE NOT A SPANIARD ARE YOU

[glorious]

I don't believe so.

[positively]

[gosh this forest is interesting! are squirrels and birds supposed to fight like that? it's like they're having a teeny little turf war, and if you squint that one with the feathers sticking up does kind of look like a high school punk! and now there's even a picnic! best creepy forest.]

Oh! I love picnics! ...unless this is a private picnic, I don't want to interrupt.

[e_regina]

I PROVIDE FOR MY BELOVED PEOPLE

That said, she's kinda hogging the clearing with the skirt and all.

SIT AND HAVE SOME LARGESSE, IT'S FRESH

[faygoandpie]

[Look at this motherfucker, she'll all decked out to the fucking nines, like some kind of rufflebeast all up in this shit]

I'm all up for a motherfucking picnic if you are, sis.

[e_regina]

TOO FUCKING RIGHT YOU ARE

HAVE SOME MOTHERFUCKING TEA, MY GOOD MAN

Tea doesn't smell like brandy. But hey, it's in a tea pot.

I'LL BE MOTHER HA HA

BECAUSE I AM MOTHER TO ENGLAND YOU SEE

THAT WAS A JOKE

[ice_and_steel]

[This is not like any royalty she has ever encountered.

Then again most royalty she has encountered consisted of power-crazed old men, runaway princes, dead men, and a king more interested in ruling the bedroom than anything else.

Nonetheless, courtesies are courtesies. She performs a correct bow with military precision.]

Good afternoon.