Queen Elizabeth Wrestles a Whale, the Animated Series

[e_regina]

[It's the Nasty Forest! It's dark and grotty here and there's bears and foxes and whales and such. It's a lovely day and there's squirrels fistfighting with birds and everything and there is also Queen Elizabeth, the first one, who is standing next to a picnic basket. She looks cross. Her ruff? ENORMOUS. It's so majestic that it pokes up above the treetops a little bit.]

MY BELOVED PEOPLE

That doesn't do anything, which makes her angry. That usually does something, when she says that.

OI

Still nothin'.

I'M NOT HAVING A BLOODY PICNIC BY MYSELF

Oh for fuck's sake. She huffs down in the middle of her skirt, which could harbor two cars and a cow, and gets stuck into one of the teacakes. There's brandy too, she'll probably start on that later.

Comments

[e_regina]

Holy crap think fast, there's a teacake and it's headed straight toward you! She has an arm like a hall of fame pitcher, that Queen Elizabeth I.

RIGHT THEN

YOU DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED DO YOU

[lifestudies]

[ninja reflexes go!!! ...most of the things that people throw at me do not explode into showers of crumbs and icing when deflected. this is different.]

No. Not at all. Are you hiding from your suitors?

[e_regina]

BLOODY RIGHT I AM

Damn, this one's sharp. She'll have to keep an eye on him, maybe appoint him as a minister or like knight him or something. So the Spaniards don't get him. Can't be having that.

She wings another pastry. The kid's got some moves and she's kinda already doodling out the letter of marque in her head.

[lifestudies]

[Sweet catch! Of course now there is jam on my gloves but I am sure I have faced worse things.

Examines pastry thoughtfully]

Interesting choice of weapon. Are they poisoned? Explosive?

[e_regina]

IT'S A SCONE

She gestures regally to a spot of bare ground near her.

I'M THE QUEEN

COME LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR FUTURE WITH THE BRITISH EMPIRE

[lifestudies]

[I sure have been well conditioned to respond to people being authoritative at me! And perhaps if you are the queen around here you will know what's going on. Kneeling where indicated.]

I have a future with the British Empire?

[e_regina]

OO I QUITE LIKE THAT

She does quite like that, the kneeling thing. This is her beloved people, right here. Beloved person. Whatever, he's a good start. Look at that earnest face. Look at that belly shirt <3

HOW ARE YOU WITH BOATS

[lifestudies]

I've not been on boats lots of times!

[And hey, you and your cleavage remind me of the Hokage more than you remind me of my real boss, so perhaps you will also excuse my impertinence!]

Do you know who I would talk to about finding something I've lost?

[e_regina]

THE DWARVES I THINK

She'd seen some of the weird critters zooming around carrying all kinds of bizarre stuff. They had the look of people who got into things, and she was half-convinced that she'd seen a few carrying around a a giant poonie.

I NEED A SWORD ANYWAY, WHAT DID YOU LOSE?

[lifestudies]

[Dwarves, right. Filing that way for future reference. But more importantly, curious now!]

You use a sword? I would not have thought you capable of wielding one in robes like that.

[e_regina]

PISS IT, she replies daintily. I'M THE QUEEN

And queens all have magic powers of dressing and swording, right? Right.

SO LET'S GET A SWORD AND YOUR THING AND THEN WE'LL KNIGHT YOU

BOLLOCKS TO PICKNICKING WE'LL NEED A PARTY

[lifestudies]

[parties are occasions for smiling, yes? that sounds right. definitely sounds right. smiling, then. it's a good chance to practice.]

If all you need is a sword, I do have one.